WHY do I do this to myself.. !?
jesus chirst im a piece of shit.
September 4, 2014
August 12, 2014
goodbye cruel world, hello even crueler world
I recently moved to into a tiny, super cozy apartment in the heart of Vaasa.
Currently working on a commissioned animation.
Currently working on a commissioned animation.
I sense immense amounts of stress in the near future, for some reason.. heh.
- Niko
July 8, 2014
May 9, 2014
hairbro
Lately I've been missing my long hair. I feel like there's been so many situations (for ex. when getting dressed) where I would've enjoyed having long hair, since it would have created a whole new look.
If I could grow it back in a snap, the first thing I'd do is braid it. Kinda miss that.. As in I don't remember anymore how frustrating it actually was haha
But I wouldn't want my old hair back, I just want my long hair back. Long hair as in my natural hair getting long, not the bleached knotty heap of hair I had a year ago..
Wellp, it grows.
- Niko
April 22, 2014
personal task importance
I find it quite annoying when people don't respect the tasks you want to do just cause you wanna do them.
For instance if there's some art project you'd like to do and it might require quite a lot of your time and quite a lot of planning, and it's not like this is the one thing you're gonna dedicate the rest of your life to, it's just a thing you want to do, and it might be a thing you tire of doing halfway through, but you still would like to make it cause... you wanna.
Then you explain it all to someone and you might even start doing it and whatnot and it might not be that one only reason you keep living, and it might not be a life changing experience, but you're still doing it, but then there comes this one situation, or multiple of these situations when this one person will tell you "Well, it's only a personal project isn't it? Don't stress it, it's not like you'd need to do it now. It's not that important anyway."
Excuse me.
How is this a good way of viewing things? First of all you do not seem to respect my interests, wants or hobbies at all, which feels quite shitty of you since you're a person I entrust with information about something that I'm doing, which I don't like to do these days because of people like you, I don't like to inform people of things I'm planning on doing or am already doing before it's done, cause I hate it when people like you come and tell me shit like that. I hate giving out information about stuff I'm doing cause I know I can occasionally be lazy about the things I do, and I don't want to be bashed just cause I've been planning/doing something for a while and not gotten it done. I want you to positively motivate me to continuing, unless I personally find it a complete waste of time and would rather continue with something else, then reassure me it's okay I drop the project, not cause it's an unimportant personal project, but because I don't have to do stuff I don't feel like doing if I can do something that will make me happier, if it's a choice I can make without much effect.
Secondly, how can you find anything you do in life important if personal projects aren't important to you? How can you not find personal projects important??
I feel it's quite important to feel that it's okay that you do personal stuff that you wanna do, just because YOU wanna do it, how is life of any importance to yourself if you do not live it for yourself. And I feel it's important that others respect that, so that you wont need to feel as if the things you do in life, cause you want to and you find joy in them, are stupid and unimportant. So that you wont need to feel you're unimportant.
Hope I made some sense, I'm not sure it even makes sense to myself...
I started planning a new layout pic for Orelium.. ! I'm not exactly sure of where I'm going with it, so far I've just laid out some lines and possible colors and possible bg and smth..
For instance if there's some art project you'd like to do and it might require quite a lot of your time and quite a lot of planning, and it's not like this is the one thing you're gonna dedicate the rest of your life to, it's just a thing you want to do, and it might be a thing you tire of doing halfway through, but you still would like to make it cause... you wanna.
Then you explain it all to someone and you might even start doing it and whatnot and it might not be that one only reason you keep living, and it might not be a life changing experience, but you're still doing it, but then there comes this one situation, or multiple of these situations when this one person will tell you "Well, it's only a personal project isn't it? Don't stress it, it's not like you'd need to do it now. It's not that important anyway."
Excuse me.
How is this a good way of viewing things? First of all you do not seem to respect my interests, wants or hobbies at all, which feels quite shitty of you since you're a person I entrust with information about something that I'm doing, which I don't like to do these days because of people like you, I don't like to inform people of things I'm planning on doing or am already doing before it's done, cause I hate it when people like you come and tell me shit like that. I hate giving out information about stuff I'm doing cause I know I can occasionally be lazy about the things I do, and I don't want to be bashed just cause I've been planning/doing something for a while and not gotten it done. I want you to positively motivate me to continuing, unless I personally find it a complete waste of time and would rather continue with something else, then reassure me it's okay I drop the project, not cause it's an unimportant personal project, but because I don't have to do stuff I don't feel like doing if I can do something that will make me happier, if it's a choice I can make without much effect.
Secondly, how can you find anything you do in life important if personal projects aren't important to you? How can you not find personal projects important??
I feel it's quite important to feel that it's okay that you do personal stuff that you wanna do, just because YOU wanna do it, how is life of any importance to yourself if you do not live it for yourself. And I feel it's important that others respect that, so that you wont need to feel as if the things you do in life, cause you want to and you find joy in them, are stupid and unimportant. So that you wont need to feel you're unimportant.
Hope I made some sense, I'm not sure it even makes sense to myself...
I started planning a new layout pic for Orelium.. ! I'm not exactly sure of where I'm going with it, so far I've just laid out some lines and possible colors and possible bg and smth..
-Niko
April 19, 2014
grown upsy
I've come to realize I actually quite like photography.
..But I don't really feel that comfy with uploading things I've photographed cause I feel like they're so average and like... I've basically just pushed a button, how can any of these pics really ever be appreciated, I just take the same sort of pics everyone else also takes, they're all just the same, nothing special, nothing I feel I really need to show off. I just feel like people don't need to see MY photos, cause they can find the exact same ones in someone else's photo folder, ya get me?
But it's still quite enjoyable, and I personally think I have a lot of good shots hahaha... but they're like.. not casual and "just recording my everyday life for my blog" kinda photos, at least not most of the time, but they're still not the hind end sorta art photos, they're just some weird in between pics of stuff I find interesting or whatever..
Just thoughts about that... Here, have a photo.
..But I don't really feel that comfy with uploading things I've photographed cause I feel like they're so average and like... I've basically just pushed a button, how can any of these pics really ever be appreciated, I just take the same sort of pics everyone else also takes, they're all just the same, nothing special, nothing I feel I really need to show off. I just feel like people don't need to see MY photos, cause they can find the exact same ones in someone else's photo folder, ya get me?
But it's still quite enjoyable, and I personally think I have a lot of good shots hahaha... but they're like.. not casual and "just recording my everyday life for my blog" kinda photos, at least not most of the time, but they're still not the hind end sorta art photos, they're just some weird in between pics of stuff I find interesting or whatever..
Just thoughts about that... Here, have a photo.
It's a weird thing, this whole "not feeling okay with uploading things" cause I now just did, and then it kinda just sounds like I want attention, like "buhuhu my photography sucks, just look at how awful it is", but that's not what I'm trying to say here, I just.. Hmm. My photo's just feel so.. casual, and average and.. I guess I just feel like I haven't put much effort into it, like not in the same way as when I draw or paint, that can take up to like 10h, while most of my photography is just like "wow, I really like how this thing looks like now, guess I'll take a few pics".. IDK, oh god, just trying to explain that I'm not whining about my photography skills or the pics I take I just.. don't know.
On another note, about this whole blog thingy, I was thinking about the whole.. thing about me mostly writing not very happy things here, and then I thought about the possibility to do so, but it's like... I feel like I don't want to preach some "be positive, life will be good" sorta thing, cause I don't want people to think I'm super naive (which I am, tbh haha),and that's why it feels more okay to write .. sadder stuff. or just more serious stuff. But then again I feel like I've come to the age where publicly posting negative stuff on the internet is kind of awkward. It doesn't feel as okay as it did when I was 16. I feel like one should be all grown upsy and stuff, and idk... not whine about non existing problems on the internet in their blog that no one even reads.
Well, I'm off to hunt some eggs now, have a nice easter yall.
-Niko
March 30, 2014
fields
In lack of people to talk to, I decided to post something in my blog. I really have nothing of importance to say, but I always seem to be able to write something once I start...
I often feel like I wanna write stuff somewhere where people can read it, but at the same time it doesn't feel right to post certain things since I know certain people read what I write, and making a new "secret" blog wouldn't help since no one would find their way there to read it. And writing in my diary feels so unnecessary, how is it helping me at all? Well, anyway. I came to realize that what I actually feel is just the want and need for someone to listen to me, I just want someone to talk to. But I don't really have anyone to talk to who'd make me feel.. "satisfied" with the conversation, you know what I mean? Just anyone won't do, it has to be someone who actually has something to add to the whole conversation and thought process..
Aaaand then I come to the point where everything I've just written just feels stupid and pointless and I consider just deleting it all, like so many times before.
Seriously tho, why do I still have a blog?
-Niko
I often feel like I wanna write stuff somewhere where people can read it, but at the same time it doesn't feel right to post certain things since I know certain people read what I write, and making a new "secret" blog wouldn't help since no one would find their way there to read it. And writing in my diary feels so unnecessary, how is it helping me at all? Well, anyway. I came to realize that what I actually feel is just the want and need for someone to listen to me, I just want someone to talk to. But I don't really have anyone to talk to who'd make me feel.. "satisfied" with the conversation, you know what I mean? Just anyone won't do, it has to be someone who actually has something to add to the whole conversation and thought process..
Aaaand then I come to the point where everything I've just written just feels stupid and pointless and I consider just deleting it all, like so many times before.
Seriously tho, why do I still have a blog?
-Niko
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