I keep checking in on blogger.com, just kind of hoping that I would eventually figure something out to write about. Or figure out a way to write about something..
I believe the reason why I can't seem to get stuff done is because I keep trying to push it, cause I want it to come out so bad, but it just doesn't want to come out this way. Not now.
And it's just terribly sad. And irritating. Annoying as hell.
And I feel that if I would be to find something to write about or a way to write about something, it would still just be something I've already written about. And it just feels stupid to write another post about it... Since my thoughts around stuff haven't really changed that much.
Maybe my so called writing block is all because I haven't thought of anything new lately. I haven't thought of much at all. I'm so stuck in the same thoughts as I've been for what.. a year now? It's.. weird.
I haven't come to realize this until now, fascinating how you guys just happen to.. get to know this as I get to know this haha. Okay well anyway, I haven't come to realize that I haven't actually thought of anything new in a really really long time. My thoughts are stuck in time currently.
It's those same things that keep spinning in my head; school, future, money, job, looks, social life, family.. all that crap. And there's no new aspects to them, not even a tiny tweak. Nothing. How.. stupid.
I wonder what's keeping me so.. intact. Why am I not moving forward.. ? How come, I'm currently glued to the ground... ?
Maybe, it might have something to do with loss of old friends. I actually thought about that the other day... Friends I used to know. I.. It's weird, cause I never thought they'd be so.. important. It actually feel terribly sad when I stop and think of all the people I still could have known or got to know.. Or known better. All the amazing people I just.. lost.
Even if I have made new friends, I wouldn't really say they are my.. friends.. It's.. I do believe they could become very important to me at some point of my life, but right now.. I can't say I really trust them. In a way, I mean. Yeah. They're nice and all, but I don't really know them. At all. I know these.. things about them. About their lives, but I don't know them. And they most likely don't know me. I don't think anyone really does, haha. And I uh. Feel kind of uncomfortable around them. Cause I have somehow grown so paranoid. I truly believe they just lie to me, and that they actually hate me, think shit about me. Talk shit about me. I know some wouldn't, I just know they wouldn't. But the others.. I don't know. They scare me.
Maybe that's why I miss my old friends so much, cause I feel they know me... actually no, they probably don't since I haven't really stayed in touch with them lately so they probably remember me completely differently. And I'm kind of scared of getting in touch with them again too, cause .. maybe they're not who I thought they were?
It also scares me to think that they might not even want to know me or even remember who I am. Why should they anyway, I mean I was just a bypassing person in their lives, and almost everyone has probably met so many new people and friends after I stopped talking to them, so why on earth would they remember me, nevertheless why would they care about me. Why would they look back and think "oh well Niko sure was an awesome person, wonder what she's doing these days. wish i knew what she was doing now." They wouldn't, cause they don't need to. They don't need to find security in the past, cause it's either followed with them until this day, or they've found other friends that have followed with them until this day.
I uh. I thought I was important to them. But I don't think I am. I.. I .. I don't know.
I don't even know what's going on anymore.
- Niko
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Know what? Ibland måst man bara let go och lita på personerna i sin omgivning. Det kan va svårt, trust me I know, jag känner igen mig lite i dina tankegångar, men jag känner också att jag faktiskt har moved on från den punkten. Och allt bottnar pretty much i min inställning till livet som pretty much sku kuna beskrivas, don't give too much of a shit and you'll be somewhat happy. Och från att va somewhat happy så e vägen int så lång till att man faktiskt vågar släppa taget helt och låta sig själv vara lycklig. Det handlar om att våga. Ingen magic force kommer att uppenbara sig och se till att allt blir perfekt. Och int blir någonting perfekt av att man släpper taget heller, perfekt är in utopi, någo ouppnåbart. Visst kan det händ att man blir backstabbed och sårad om man litar på människor man just träffat, men om man väljer att inte lita på dom kommer man inte heller att få ut lika mycket av den bekantskapen. Att bli sårad e ju förstås ingenting som någon vill uppleva, men ifall det händer är det också någonting som i de flesta fall gör en starkare om man faktiskt försöker gå vidare och acceptera det som hänt, och man inte dwells too long i sin melancholy. Och honey, du ska int overthink too much, varför i hela världen sku alla hata dig och bara ljuga för dig? Alla människor e int hemska, och du är en sweet och trevlig person, så ingen har ju någon egentlig orsak att göra så. Såklart finns det ju då också en och annan rotten human som inte gör annat än ser ner på andra för att kunna försöka hävda sig själv inför sig själv. These persons suck, men dom e en del av det man får stå ut med, och that brings me around till min första point i denhe wall of text, man ska int give a shit about them. Small baby steps mot att int give a shit ger en mer och mer confidence, I know this för jag har upplevt det själv. Ska jag va helt ärlig så har jag aldrig haft så bra självförtroende som nu, och allt börja nångong i 2011 då jag bestämd mig för att nu ska int jag bry mig nå mer om vad alla assholes och bitches har att säga, jag ska int bry mig om vad folk får för första intryck av mig, och jag ska sluta trycka ner mig själv. Det kan vara svårt att tänka i de här banorna, men det går att öva, man kan bli bättre på att bry sig mindre. :) Såklart funderar jag ännu någongång på vad folk tycker om mig, men int alls på samma sätt som förr, och jag e damn much happier med mig själv och mitt liv, och mest av allt, nån gång på vägen lärd jag mig att lita på folk. I even got a boyfriend, det sku aldrig ha gått förr, jag sku ha tyckt att jag var alltför dålig för någon osv. I och för sig har du väl den punkten redan avklarad din charmör hahaha, men i alla fall i mitt fall tycker jag det är en bra markör för den progress jag gjort. Förstås är ju varje fall olika och du kanske tycker att allt jag ha skrivi här bara e ett ton med bullshit och int har någo med dig eller ditt liv att gör, men jag försöker mitt bästa. You know why? Because I care. I looked back and started wondering what you were doing right now, checked out your blog and found this post.
ReplyDeleteOoohh....... looked back and wondered what I was doing and then you end up reading hate mail abour friends on my blog... WHOOPS! övö
Deleteand yes, Imma call bullshit on everything you just said!! haha nope. Jag öärh. har redan been thorugh that. Ja e liksom.. några level högre än du... XDDDDDDD Näämen de liksom. Ja ha redan gjort dedär, o nu e de liksom. De sitter fast igen o ja tror de .. ja vet int va ja tror haha oj vi sku måst prat..
NÅ anyway. whaat har du bf D: since when!? aaaaaaaaaa how come ja int har nån aning va som sker i nån annans liv än i Vallus.. daaymmnn.. WELL WE SHOULD SPEAK ANYWAY OH MY GOD amaandaaa. ;A;
Oh well I tried. Eller så spelar du another game completely.
ReplyDeleteYep, sedan Spetember, så he e väl 3 månader sedan då :3 Haha, du får skicka ett PM on facebook om du tycker we should speak, tror in he e så bra att för en konversation i kommentarsfältet på din blogg xD Men I agree on the we should speak part ^^
always play other game B') XD
Deleteuuhh aaaa jaaa, ja ska skickaaa öuuö
Var gärna med i dagens grymma tävling! :D
ReplyDeletehttp://adaras.se/category/julkalender-2012.html