hair

Hmm.
I usually have this one day right before my period, when everything is just so.. wonderful. I'm finally who and how I've always wanted to be, and I can just be. There's no stupid questions and I can't do anything dumb or embarrassing, and I'm so brave, I can face any matters without feeling a thing. I just feel great. Not even feeling fat bothers me, not even realizing my legs will always be fat moves me, I just.. Think about it, I just accept it and then I move on.
And it's so sad, because.. well I don't get why this happens, I don't get why I can't be like that any other times of the month, why just that one day? And why just 24h (48h at most)? Yea sure some hormone thing, but it's just so.. odd. I wish I could somehow control it..

But, there's another thing in my life that sure has made me feel a whole lot better.

I cut my hair. It's short now.

I haven't had short hair since I was like.. 5. I think that's about the time I last had short hair. From then on I've just been saving it, in hopes that it will grow really long and pretty. Sadly, it never became as long as I had wished.

But I think it's a good thing, considering what a pain it was at the length it got to. Well, anyway, lately it's just been a big messy ball of shit, since all the bleaching and shit, and to be honest, it's just been getting shorter and shorter and messier and messier. And cutting it of wasn't just some random Saturday night idea, I had actually been thinking of it for a couple of years now, but I decided it was time to do it just a few months ago or smth. So, last Saturday I cut it, and I'm so happy with it.
It's really nice and it suits me well. It's also extremely easy to take care of, and boy, the time I spend in the shower. Like 2 seconds. And then another 2 seconds before it's dry. It's amazing, I'll never again have to plan showers 2-3 h before going somewhere.. !

But that's not the only great things with this new hair of mine. I actually feel so much more comfortable with it than the long one.
For starters, I never have to really care or pay much attention to how it is, it just is. It just falls naturally and there's really nothing you could care or worry about, whilst my long hair was a pain. I always had to figure out ways to style it, and to style it in ways that doesn't look stupid and so that it was still functional, and I spent so much time all the time worrying about it, and I was barely ever happy with it, mostly just tried to gather it in a big bun and just go with it that way. But just doing a bun took a whole bunch of time.
I also think that having long blond hair somehow affected the image of how and who I was supposed to be.
You know how long haired blonds are always so sexy and stylish and not a messy pile of shit like me? yeah well, I guess that kind of put a lot of pressure on me, l suppose I always kind of thought that I had to be in some certain way because of the way my hair looked, because of the way people viewed me because of my hair.
Now, when it's shorter and way less .. sexy blonde, I feel a whole bunch more confident. This is maybe more me, I'm not some kind of sexy blonde who has a perfect body and uses make up and high heels. I'm just a boring shitty Niko who loves sweat pants and big hoodies to cover up an ugly ass body and a butt and thighs the size of a whale. Like sure, I love high heels and pretty clothes, but I think we all, mostly me, just have to accept that I have no future in wearing cool low short and skirts, and that I'll never be able to have over knee socks, and that most pants do make my ass look fat.
Right now it doesn't even really bother me. But right now, I'm on top of the world, soon to be in hell again, haha.

Watercolor and wooden pencils doodle.
woop. Ink also, yay.

- Niko