could i not

WHY do I do this to myself.. !?

jesus chirst im a piece of shit.

goodbye cruel world, hello even crueler world

I recently moved to into a tiny, super cozy apartment in the heart of Vaasa.
Currently working on a commissioned animation.

I sense immense amounts of stress in the near future, for some reason.. heh.

- Niko

some photos

- Niko

hairbro

Lately I've been missing my long hair. I feel like there's been so many situations (for ex. when getting dressed) where I would've enjoyed having long hair, since it would have created a whole new look.
If I could grow it back in a snap, the first thing I'd do is braid it. Kinda miss that.. As in I don't remember anymore how frustrating it actually was haha
But I wouldn't want my old hair back, I just want my long hair back. Long hair as in my natural hair getting long, not the bleached knotty heap of hair I had a year ago..
Wellp, it grows.

- Niko

personal task importance

I find it quite annoying when people don't respect the tasks you want to do just cause you wanna do them.
For instance if there's some art project you'd like to do and it might require quite a lot of your time and quite a lot of planning, and it's not like this is the one thing you're gonna dedicate the rest of your life to, it's just a thing you want to do, and it might be a thing you tire of doing halfway through, but you still would like to make it cause... you wanna.
Then you explain it all to someone and you might even start doing it and whatnot and it might not be that one only reason you keep living, and it might not be a life changing experience, but you're still doing it, but then there comes this one situation, or multiple of these situations when this one person will tell you "Well, it's only a personal project isn't it? Don't stress it, it's not like you'd need to do it now. It's not that important anyway." 
Excuse me.
How is this a good way of viewing things? First of all you do not seem to respect my interests, wants or hobbies at all, which feels quite shitty of you since you're a person I entrust with information about something that I'm doing, which I don't like to do these days because of people like you, I don't like to inform people of things I'm planning on doing or am already doing before it's done, cause I hate it when people like you come and tell me shit like that. I hate giving out information about stuff I'm doing cause I know I can occasionally be lazy about the things I do, and I don't want to be bashed just cause I've been planning/doing something for a while and not gotten it done. I want you to positively motivate me to continuing, unless I personally find it a complete waste of time and would rather continue with something else, then reassure me it's okay I drop the project, not cause it's an unimportant personal project, but because I don't have to do stuff I don't feel like doing if I can do something that will make me happier, if it's a choice I can make without much effect.
Secondly, how can you find anything you do in life important if personal projects aren't important to you? How can you not find personal projects important?? 
I feel it's quite important to feel that it's okay that you do personal stuff that you wanna do, just because YOU wanna do it, how is life of any importance to yourself if you do not live it for yourself. And I feel it's important that others respect that, so that you wont need to feel as if the things you do in life, cause you want to and you find joy in them, are stupid and unimportant. So that you wont need to feel you're unimportant.

Hope I made some sense, I'm not sure it even makes sense to myself...

I started planning a new layout pic for Orelium.. ! I'm not exactly sure of where I'm going with it, so far I've just laid out some lines and possible colors and possible bg and smth..

-Niko

grown upsy

I've come to realize I actually quite like photography. 
..But I don't really feel that comfy with uploading things I've photographed cause I feel like they're so average and like... I've basically just pushed a button, how can any of these pics really ever be appreciated, I just take the same sort of pics everyone else also takes, they're all just the same, nothing special, nothing I feel I really need to show off. I just feel like people don't need to see MY photos, cause they can find the exact same ones in someone else's photo folder, ya get me?
But it's still quite enjoyable, and I personally think I have a lot of good shots hahaha... but they're like.. not casual and "just recording my everyday life for my blog" kinda photos, at least not most of the time, but they're still not the hind end sorta art photos, they're just some weird in between pics of stuff I find interesting or whatever..
Just thoughts about that... Here, have a photo. 

It's a weird thing, this whole "not feeling okay with uploading things" cause I now just did, and then it kinda just sounds like I want attention, like "buhuhu my photography sucks, just look at how awful it is", but that's not what I'm trying to say here, I just.. Hmm. My photo's just feel so.. casual, and average and.. I guess I just feel like I haven't put much effort into it, like not in the same way as when I draw or paint, that can take up to like 10h, while most of my photography is just like "wow, I really like how this thing looks like now, guess I'll take a few pics".. IDK, oh god, just trying to explain that I'm not whining about my photography skills or the pics I take I just.. don't know. 

On another note, about this whole blog thingy, I was thinking about the whole.. thing about me mostly writing not very happy things here, and then I thought about the possibility to do so, but it's like... I feel like I don't want to preach some "be positive, life will be good" sorta thing, cause I don't want people to think I'm super naive (which I am, tbh haha),and that's why it feels more okay to write .. sadder stuff. or just more serious stuff. But then again I feel like I've come to the age where publicly posting negative stuff on the internet is kind of awkward. It doesn't feel as okay as it did when I was 16. I feel like one should be all grown upsy and stuff, and idk... not whine about non existing problems on the internet in their blog that no one even reads. 

Well, I'm off to hunt some eggs now, have a nice easter yall.

-Niko

fields

In lack of people to talk to, I decided to post something in my blog. I really have nothing of importance to say, but I always seem to be able to write something once I start...
I often feel like I wanna write stuff somewhere where people can read it, but at the same time it doesn't feel right to post certain things since I know certain people read what I write, and making a new "secret" blog wouldn't help since no one would find their way there to read it. And writing in my diary feels so unnecessary, how is it helping me at all? Well, anyway. I came to realize that what I actually feel is just the want and need for someone to listen to me, I just want someone to talk to. But I don't really have anyone to talk to who'd make me feel.. "satisfied" with the conversation, you know what I mean? Just anyone won't do, it has to be someone who actually has something to add to the whole conversation and thought process..
Aaaand then I come to the point where everything I've just written just feels stupid and pointless and I consider just deleting it all, like so many times before.
Seriously tho, why do I still have a blog?

-Niko

feels.

might as well upload this here..

-Niko

asd.

(i really just feel like writing atm, otherwise i mightve made a comic about this instead..)

Sometimes when I'm lying on my back, in my bed for instance, I convince myself I'll choke on my fat.
Those times, I imagine having massive fat gatherings around my neck and throat, and as lying on my back, I just feel them increase and gather, weighting down on my throat, making it harder and harder to breathe...

-Niko

yet another one...

-Niko

mooaar comics

.PRTY.PPR.

I think I'll just ramble for a bit. I feel I need to write something here before I go to bed, and so that's what I'm doing.

Ugh. I feel extremely tired right now. At the same time feeling tired feels.. comforting. The knowledge of being able to fall into nothingness right at the moment when you let it happen.. feels good. Like you know, not needing to struggle to fall asleep, but being death tired to begin with so you need only close your eyes and you'll be soundly asleep.

I wish I could be tired all the time, maybe even sickly tired, just fall asleep whenever. Haha.

Also it reminds me of the past, not in a bad way tho, at least it doesn't feel bad at this moment, probably does feel at any other time, but it's the feeling of gaming and all nighters. Late nights, and early mornings. Pumping energy drinks and watching the sun set, then rise. It's that dead, zombie feeling in my eyes, the way your eyes feel like when they've been staring at that screen for all day (or night). Feels quite good right now.

And the feeling of not giving a damn about anything cause your head is so tired, it doesn't want to process any deeper thoughts than "ZZzZzZzzzZZzZzz". aw ye.

I got about half of the things I wanted to do today done. I also got up about 2h later than planned, you think that might've been a part of all this failing?? Not even gon 'xcuse ma english yo.

Aahahaha I use Orelium for everything, I shouldn't but I just love it cause it's mine. It's my own little baby and creation, and only I know it's true meaning. No such thing as Orelium even exists for other people, for me it really is something. For me, it's important. And I want it to be me, just like Niko is me. I don't want to have to separate it from anything just because it'd have to be something else. Hahahahaha and no one knows what I'm talking about but that's fine, it's just the way it was supposed to be.

Okay one last pic and I'm off to bed. My thought are with you, anew.

This is the party pooper. He poops on everyone's parties and has too much swag to care.

Also, he's a douche.

- Niko

Exceptional

Exceptionally good day today! .. Almost at least.

- Niko

pretty remains

The usual.

- Niko

thoughts about thoughts

I'm not sure whether (what even is English lol) I feel it's a bad or a good thing that I havent't been able to think deeply about stuff lately. I mean my thoughts have basically been "Get up you lazy ass", "Oh lord I need to take a shower I'msodirty blargh", "Jesus fuck I'm fucking hungry aaaahhh", "Need. To. Fart. Sobadly.", "God bed, let me marry you".
Really just casual thoughts. And in a way I'd like to be able to "analyse" shit that happens and think about stuff but I just..... can't get my brain working. It's just like lol, too lazy to open up the valve of deep thoughts, be hungry instead??
I also noticed I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone else but me. At least not depend on them more than I depend on myself ohmygod, can I even make a sentence like that in English, what am I doing..... ?
Well anyway, I don't want to need anyone else more than I need me, get what I'm saying? And it's not just a thing about being afraid of loosing someone you care about, but if you care about someone too much, you got to adjust your life so much to how they feel or what they want, because you don't want to hurt them or make them sad. Or well if you're strong and can stick to what you want and don't really care what the others want then I guess you're good but but, that's not what I wanted to talk about! WHAT I MEAN is just that with emotions and human reactions and actions, there's no actual right and wrong and so much depends on how you think and what you feel and and. It's not easy and easily becomes troubleful if you can't stand your ground if you for instance care too much about someone elses emotions in about an equal amount to how much you care about your own emitons! Because then you have to choose between making you sad or making the other one sad, and both choices are equally bad, and you can't expect to be able to blame your non well being on the other one for making a "wrong decision" since they want to feel happy but also want you to be happy and as I already said, human reactions and actions don't always have a right or wrong, and then you have a problematic situation and it's frustrating and hard to handle.
And that's why I don't want to become too personal with someone, I don't want anyone to become someone I care for more than I care for myself. And don't non of you guys be calling me selfish because caring for yourself, and making you the main thing of your life (at least when young) is important! It's important to get to know you and be able to continue being you and paying attention to you! And I'm in no way implying you should become an egobitch who runs around and pushes your importance in other peoples faces, and neither am I implying that you shouldn't care for others, you OBVIOUSLY should, but I'm just saying that you shouldn't get carried away with pleasing everyone else and completely forget about yourself..!

Over and out
- Niko

goshwhat

Omg yay long time no shit at all!!~ ♥♥♥♥

.. Aaaand I suddenly forgot how to do "~", gosh what a struggle...

Sitting here in my absolutely fab morning wear, listening to Capsule, the only thing that fuels me this week except coffee. An absolutely hectic half week behind me, and an absolutely hectic rest of the week coming up, hooray. I pretty much get up in the morning and keep going until about 10pm when I get home, then I throw some food in me and go to bed. Then the same thing the next day.

And it's because I'm currently training to do acrylics. Nails I mean. So first school, then work. I'm terribly slow, takes me about 2h 15min to do a customer. I hope I get faster. ugh.

And next week we'll head off to Venice with my class. I hope it's gonna be fun. I'm at least excited for La Biennale di Venezia. But not too excited about loosing money because of theft. Damn teachers be scaring the shit outta people. :I

.. aand facebook appears to be down. darn. I would've liked to show some awesome nails I've done. buh. :I

Have a few pics, I'll be going!

- Niko

fuuuddh

My eating habbits are terrible. I should be eating meat since my diet as a vegetarian is so bad, but I really don't want to cause of how good I felt after not eating meat. But I don't have any will power to improve ny vegetarian diet, and actually cook something. Maybe I just shouldn't eat at all. :I

- Niko

angry

I totally get why people bash other people anon on the internet. I mean, I would. I totally would.
At least if it's of the same reasons I'd do it know. I'm feeling like shit but the only thing I really can do is just .. sit here and scream inside my head, which isn't really helping. I'd rather just smash everything to smithereens and then burn the house or something. But we all know I can't do that.
But just being mean to some random person on the internet sure would feel good. Not because they've done anything wrong or stupid, it's just because I'm angry and sad with my life. Making them feel bad about themselves is just a bonus. (jk)
But I'm not gonna do, it'd get out of hand. Everything always does. I'll probably just have to continue canning my feelings until I figure out something better than burning, smashing, bashing or hurting myself.

- Niko

*Canning; ...contents are processed and sealed in an airtight container, wikipedia.)

hair

Hmm.
I usually have this one day right before my period, when everything is just so.. wonderful. I'm finally who and how I've always wanted to be, and I can just be. There's no stupid questions and I can't do anything dumb or embarrassing, and I'm so brave, I can face any matters without feeling a thing. I just feel great. Not even feeling fat bothers me, not even realizing my legs will always be fat moves me, I just.. Think about it, I just accept it and then I move on.
And it's so sad, because.. well I don't get why this happens, I don't get why I can't be like that any other times of the month, why just that one day? And why just 24h (48h at most)? Yea sure some hormone thing, but it's just so.. odd. I wish I could somehow control it..

But, there's another thing in my life that sure has made me feel a whole lot better.

I cut my hair. It's short now.

I haven't had short hair since I was like.. 5. I think that's about the time I last had short hair. From then on I've just been saving it, in hopes that it will grow really long and pretty. Sadly, it never became as long as I had wished.

But I think it's a good thing, considering what a pain it was at the length it got to. Well, anyway, lately it's just been a big messy ball of shit, since all the bleaching and shit, and to be honest, it's just been getting shorter and shorter and messier and messier. And cutting it of wasn't just some random Saturday night idea, I had actually been thinking of it for a couple of years now, but I decided it was time to do it just a few months ago or smth. So, last Saturday I cut it, and I'm so happy with it.
It's really nice and it suits me well. It's also extremely easy to take care of, and boy, the time I spend in the shower. Like 2 seconds. And then another 2 seconds before it's dry. It's amazing, I'll never again have to plan showers 2-3 h before going somewhere.. !

But that's not the only great things with this new hair of mine. I actually feel so much more comfortable with it than the long one.
For starters, I never have to really care or pay much attention to how it is, it just is. It just falls naturally and there's really nothing you could care or worry about, whilst my long hair was a pain. I always had to figure out ways to style it, and to style it in ways that doesn't look stupid and so that it was still functional, and I spent so much time all the time worrying about it, and I was barely ever happy with it, mostly just tried to gather it in a big bun and just go with it that way. But just doing a bun took a whole bunch of time.
I also think that having long blond hair somehow affected the image of how and who I was supposed to be.
You know how long haired blonds are always so sexy and stylish and not a messy pile of shit like me? yeah well, I guess that kind of put a lot of pressure on me, l suppose I always kind of thought that I had to be in some certain way because of the way my hair looked, because of the way people viewed me because of my hair.
Now, when it's shorter and way less .. sexy blonde, I feel a whole bunch more confident. This is maybe more me, I'm not some kind of sexy blonde who has a perfect body and uses make up and high heels. I'm just a boring shitty Niko who loves sweat pants and big hoodies to cover up an ugly ass body and a butt and thighs the size of a whale. Like sure, I love high heels and pretty clothes, but I think we all, mostly me, just have to accept that I have no future in wearing cool low short and skirts, and that I'll never be able to have over knee socks, and that most pants do make my ass look fat.
Right now it doesn't even really bother me. But right now, I'm on top of the world, soon to be in hell again, haha.

Watercolor and wooden pencils doodle.
woop. Ink also, yay.

- Niko

Tell meee

Everyone should always tell me everything about their lives. It's fucking interesting, mkay, and I'm curious.

Also, in detail.

- Niko