WIP

- Niko

oh all the things

- Niko

mattress

I had this weird dream where I had placed a mattress on out kitchen table, it was terribly comfortable to lie on and just watch the birds outside fly by. I wondered why I never had thought of it before.

- Niko

paradox

My biggest wish in life is probably that I would never have started excisting.
But then I realize, that if my life is of no importance, I can do whatever I want.
Then, I end up where I started, and it loops.

My life is a paradox.

- Niko

JOKU typo.

MULTILINGUAL MODE: ACTIVATED

Aahhh en kestääää, tekeee niiin mieli kirjottaa siis blogiaaaa tai päiväkirjaaa, mut sitten evotan ja sit siitä ei tuu mitään ja sit mä mietin liikaa ja sit haluun vaan heittäytyy lattialle itkemään ku en osaa.
Joten aion nyt vaan kirjottaa whatever mun sormista sattuukaan tulemaan millä ketun kielellä ku se sattuuki tulemaan. JIHUU.

Varpaset, mullon niin ihania tarina ideoitaaaaaahhhh... Ja haluaisin kirjottaa ne jotenki sillee hienosti, mutten osaa, tai varmaan osaisinki, ei kirjottaminen sinäänsä oo niin vaikeeta, mut emmä kuitenkaan kykene ees alottamaan, et kai se sittenki on nii vaikeeta. Bläähäähh.

Oispa kivaa jos kans tietäs miten piirretään sarjisblogia, prröööt. kinosted. JA JOS sillee ylipäättään tietäs miten tehä anythign at all.... MÄÄHHH... Mullon niiku niiin jotenki inspiraatio ja samalla en halua yhtään ku niin pelottaa mut samalla niin haluaisin tehää kaikkee AAHH MAAILMA
Tekee iha sikana mennä coneihin tai jotain, tehä jotai sillee hauskaa ja kuullostaa niiiin fiiiliiikseelt ku aattelee et menis sinne ja näkis kaikkii ihmisii ja puhuis irl ihmisten kaa aaahhh suomee en hallitseeee mut kuitenki ja ottais kuviiii ja aaah iltabileettt.
But then again, vaik mä menisin sinne, nii en kuitenkaa pystyis cossaamaan vaikka nyt tekeeki mieli koska oon tällane.. kasa. Emmä kehtaa, emmä uskalla, emmmäää vaan pysty. Nyyhq. Ja ihaku mä mitään ihmisiä tapaisin, emmä kuitenkaa koskaa nyyh. Eikä ne koskaan jaksa olla mun kaa nyyh olen unohdettu. SE on perseestä. Tainosiis, eihän se oon niitten vika mut kuitenki :C JA SIT NIILLON OMIA KAVEREITA NYYH.
Eeeenkä mä ottais kuvia ja sit kuitenki oisin sillee et joo wtf jotku iltabileet emmä jaksa, VAIKKA MÄ JOKA CONI HALUAISIN AAHHHhhhh en oo koskaan käyny nyyh. Muthey onneks täytän koht 18, saan sit mennä bileihin millon haluun vaikken ois conis! WOOP. (emmä kuitenkaa varmaa sit koskaa mee.....)
Et sellasta, emmä sit kuitenkaa mitään siel tekis, menis vaan iha hirveesti rahaa junalippuihin ja hotelliin ja sit oon kuitenki conin jälkee ihan angstinen unohdettu pikku .. joku. hirvi.

Ja sit tavallaan inspaa myös ihan sikana piirtäää ja make movies ja ottaa kuvii ja kaikkeee mut sit seki evottaa, eikä oo ideoita ja otan kuitenki vaan paska kuvia, ja on aina pimee enkä kehtaa enkä mä sit kuitenkaa koskaa tee mitään niillä kuvilla. MITÄ HYÖTYÄÄÄ ::''II
Iha niiku tää juttu jota tehää koulus; vitun siistii ja kivaa, mut... sit ku se on valmis se heitetää roskiin, ku emmä sil mitään eikä kukaan tuu koskaa kattoo sitä sillee ja se jää kuitenki vaa sinne kouluun hengaan, goin nothing. Blääähh. Niiku se instalaatioki. :III perse.

Haluan kesäääännn et voisin longboardata (vaan hoksatakseni jälleen etten osaa ja luovuttaa ja kuolla jonnekki.. ojaaaan) ja ottaa kuviii aanfsködmsoö fsihsilksekoon.

jooei nyt mä lopetan. moido.
- Niko

amicis

I keep checking in on blogger.com, just kind of hoping that I would eventually figure something out to write about. Or figure out a way to write about something..
I believe the reason why I can't seem to get stuff done is because I keep trying to push it, cause I want it to come out so bad, but it just doesn't want to come out this way. Not now.
And it's just terribly sad. And irritating. Annoying as hell.
And I feel that if I would be to find something to write about or a way to write about something, it would still just be something I've already written about. And it just feels stupid to write another post about it... Since my thoughts around stuff haven't really changed that much.
Maybe my so called writing block is all because I haven't thought of anything new lately. I haven't thought of much at all. I'm so stuck in the same thoughts as I've been for what.. a year now? It's.. weird.
I haven't come to realize this until now, fascinating how you guys just happen to.. get to know this as I get to know this haha. Okay well anyway, I haven't come to realize that I haven't actually thought of anything new in a really really long time. My thoughts are stuck in time currently.
It's those same things that keep spinning in my head; school, future, money, job, looks, social life, family.. all that crap. And there's no new aspects to them, not even a tiny tweak. Nothing. How.. stupid.
I wonder what's keeping me so.. intact. Why am I not moving forward.. ? How come, I'm currently glued to the ground... ?
Maybe, it might have something to do with loss of old friends. I actually thought about that the other day... Friends I used to know. I.. It's weird, cause I never thought they'd be so.. important. It actually feel terribly sad when I stop and think of all the people I still could have known or got to know.. Or known better. All the amazing people I just.. lost.
Even if I have made new friends, I wouldn't really say they are my.. friends.. It's.. I do believe they could become very important to me at some point of my life, but right now.. I can't say I really trust them. In a way, I mean. Yeah. They're nice and all, but I don't really know them. At all. I know these.. things about them. About their lives, but I don't know them. And they most likely don't know me. I don't think anyone really does, haha. And I uh. Feel kind of uncomfortable around them. Cause I have somehow grown so paranoid. I truly believe they just lie to me, and that they actually hate me, think shit about me. Talk shit about me. I know some wouldn't, I just know they wouldn't. But the others.. I don't know. They scare me.
Maybe that's why I miss my old friends so much, cause I feel they know me... actually no, they probably don't since I haven't really stayed in touch with them lately so they probably remember me completely differently. And I'm kind of scared of getting in touch with them again too, cause .. maybe they're not who I thought they were?
It also scares me to think that they might not even want to know me or even remember who I am. Why should they anyway, I mean I was just a bypassing person in their lives, and almost everyone has probably met so many new people and friends after I stopped talking to them, so why on earth would they remember me, nevertheless why would they care about me. Why would they look back and think "oh well Niko sure was an awesome person, wonder what she's doing these days. wish i knew what she was doing now." They wouldn't, cause they don't need to. They don't need to find security in the past, cause it's either followed with them until this day, or they've found other friends that have followed with them until this day.
I uh. I thought I was important to them. But I don't think I am. I.. I .. I don't know.

I don't even know what's going on anymore.
- Niko

asthma

I wouldn't really want to accept the fact that I'm allergic to animals with fur, but I suppose I just have to. I'd really like to be able to have an own small dog or cat when I move away from home, but I've come to the conclusion that I probably shouldn't. I feel the way that I would ever actually be able to be close with my pet since I wouldn't be able to cudle with it, and it probably couldn't be that close to me since I would most likely not be able to even have it in my lap.  I know there are some hypoallergenic pets, but I still wouldn't be symptom free, so I might as well just accept my situation.

I am currently using a Ventoline diskus to help me with my allergy problems. I do take pills to if I feel I need to, but mostly I just have hard to breathe and so I use the diskus. But I think it's really nice that I am allowed to have it. It's so nice to just be able to.. breathe again.
I didn't actually think I'd get more of it (I usually get just for the springs because of the pollen) since I don't think I'm classified as a person with asthma, but I luckily did get more. I thought the doctors would just tell us to get rid of our pets or something.

But it's really nice and comfy to be able to just take a dose whenever it gets difficult to breathe. I would normally never do anything about my unbreatheability, since I wouldn't in most cases even have ventoline and because I didn't want to be dependent on some medicine.
But I actually quite like it now.

- Niko