So, I've never really considered myself a good person, and once again, I'm getting tired of living like this, just like when I decided on becoming less suicidal and depressed, but that my friends, is a completely different story. Anyways, so the thing that has been bothering me, mostly, is the fact that I don't seem to enjoy anything in life anymore. Not even drawing. It has all become such.. competing. Everything is just a competition, a competition of who has a boyfriend or not, who is more loved, who can draw better, who can score better, who can Idk, take a crap better, and that is just... wrong. Very wrong and very annoying, cause if I cannot accept the fact that I can't always be the best or even close being the best, I will have hella lots of problems in the future, just imagine. So that is indeed something I need to fix. In the past, I didn't have a problem like that, in the past I could draw cause I enjoyed it, not cause I had to keep people updated with cool art that they could comment like 'OMG THAT'S SO GOOD' and not cause I had to become better than .. some people, I'm not gonna mention them. And actually, by being this obsessed with being the best it has only made me worse.
The second thing I want to change is that I'd be more.. hmm, happy for other people? That sometimes, I don't need to be the one with the good stuff happening to make me happy, I'd like to be able to enjoy other peoples happiness and luck and joy and all instead of being jealous of them, cause they'd got something I didn't.
And third, I would love to be more open hearted. I'd love to be able to listen to people giving me advice, and try their advice, instead of always getting frustrated and angry cause people wont let me do it my way. Why would I always have to take the hard way? Why would I always have to deal with stuff myself if I can get help from my friends and make it so much easier? Yeah, and not only on the advice thing, incase you didn't know, I really suck at games (PC, PS, DS etc.) and that is cause I never.. feel the way that I'd need to learn to do the combos and how to use stuff in the games except for the basics ad moving forward and to the sides + hitting or something, you know. I'm just lazy and stoopid for ignoring the instructions the game gives me and so I always have a hard time playing games.
I don't think it is too hard to notice all these things are connected to each other, and I will (already am) try to deal with them as fast as possible, yet taking my time to make a change. Changes are never supposed to be made fast.
I will just end this blog entry here and go down to drink some water, Bye~
-Niko
Hei! Selailin Irc-Galleriaa ja törmäsin blogiisi. On upea nähdä että osaa syvällisesti ajatella ja jäsentää omia tunnetilojasi ja elämänkokemuksiasi ja pystyt purkamaan niitä tekstille. Toivottavasti se helpottaa.
ReplyDeleteKyllä, elämästä voi tulla kilpailua. Kolme kovinta epäjumalaa joka erityisesti länsimaita vaivaa, seksi, koulutus ja työ. Pitää olla poikakaveri, kova koulussa, pitää olla rahaa, töitä ja omakoti talo. Näiden perässä ihmiset monesti juoksevat ja syyllistävät toisia jos ei itsellä ole näitä.
Se on sellainen oravanpyörä, kehdosta hautaan. Kilpailua ja kamppailua, pitää sitä sun tätä ja voittaa ja olla parempi, päästä edelle.
Mutta tästä voi vapautua. On mahdollista syntyä tämän systeemin ulkopuolelle, tulla Jumalan lapseksi että on ikuinen elämä jolla on ijankaikkinen merkitys.
Voit vapautua kilpailun orjuudesta ja elämän tyhjyydestä. Masennuksestakin joka tulee siitä että saa sitä, ei saa tätä, miksen osaa, miksi näin vaan elämään se syvempi tarkoitus.
(Joh 3:7) Älä ihmettele, että minä sanoin sinulle: teidän pitää uudesta syntymän.
http://sites.google.com/site/kristuksensotilas/tosiasioiden-kohtaamista <-- Tässä kuinka voit tuntea Jumalan henkilökohtaisesti, elämällesi on tarkoitus tarjolla, kilpailun ja vertailun ulkopuolella. Minäkin en ole hyvä ihminen, mutta sinäkin voit saada kaikki synnit anteeksi.