I absolutely hate it when people say things like "Oh my goood you're so good at drawing animals! Wish I was that good tooo but I dunno shiiit brooo!". Okay well gee thanks for all that but I don't actually know how to draw animals for shit either. I mean, I pretty much just draw canines, canines with horrible anatomy cause I've never bothered to learn how to draw them for real, I've just been drawing that shit of manga stuff I call it, thus it's anatomy is all fucked up. It's nothing close to what a real thing looks like, might look good to you but it isn't so I don't want to hear that crap. And yes, that's pretty much the animals I "can" draw. I can't draw cats, I can't draw horses, nor can I draw turtles. So no, I really can't draw animals.
Secondly, you shouldn't be jealous of this skill, it has pretty much just brought a whole lot of shit into my life, made it even worse than it was. Except for the fact that I met Kai but hey that's about it. I've just been dissed cause I only keep drawing dogs and manga and all that shit, people hate it. And if I wouldn't have started drawing that shit, I'd probably still draw realistic stuff, like I did in the past. I used to copy all the real shit I could find in our house; our cat's, our fireplace, our house, some trees and flowers and stuff like that, but for some reason I seem to have stopped doing so. or well not actually, the interest just decreased a bit, I still liked drawing but I didn't really know how to do it, but yeah, I liked it, and I drew in school and all that. So, maybe I'd be fucking awesome on realistic stuff now, which I'd prolly have more use of than this bullcrap of dogs I draw now. I mean, yeah I had a dream to become an mangaka, fuck that's the only reason I stuck to manga, but I have realized it'll never come true and .. everything is just stupid about this shit. And it annoys me that I'm so stuck in stuff I can't change, cause I hate myself so much for them mistakes I made, that I can't fucking move on and progress, I can't become better for shit and actually learn. I just pity myself for something I don't have cause I don't think I'll ever achieve it.
There is one thing in the universe that i'd like to have, and that's eternal life. Like seriously, think of all the stuff I could do with that. I could do everything. Eternal life is like the ultimate solution to everything. By living for forever I could learn all the things I wont be able to learn during my life now, I could become what I want to become and I could do everything I'd like to do, it'd be awesome. But, I'm not still quite sure whether I'd like to be able to kill myself or not, cause.. I might kill myself too early, by not being able to even commit suicide I'd have to push through things instead of giving up and just dying, that'd be so cool.
It's interesting how realizations in the past meant so much to me, they made me think and reconsider and and shit like that, they made me change stuff, but realizations these days just come.. and then they go, and nothing happens. Nothing changes. I just realize stuff and then it's like hm okay interesting but I won't do anything about it. .. wait does this mean my situation has gotten worse? ooh fuck.
Okay and then quickly the day thing, can't remember the fuck day it is but it's the highs and lows of this year. uuuh.
There is one thing in the universe that i'd like to have, and that's eternal life. Like seriously, think of all the stuff I could do with that. I could do everything. Eternal life is like the ultimate solution to everything. By living for forever I could learn all the things I wont be able to learn during my life now, I could become what I want to become and I could do everything I'd like to do, it'd be awesome. But, I'm not still quite sure whether I'd like to be able to kill myself or not, cause.. I might kill myself too early, by not being able to even commit suicide I'd have to push through things instead of giving up and just dying, that'd be so cool.
It's interesting how realizations in the past meant so much to me, they made me think and reconsider and and shit like that, they made me change stuff, but realizations these days just come.. and then they go, and nothing happens. Nothing changes. I just realize stuff and then it's like hm okay interesting but I won't do anything about it. .. wait does this mean my situation has gotten worse? ooh fuck.
Okay and then quickly the day thing, can't remember the fuck day it is but it's the highs and lows of this year. uuuh.
+ Vallu
+ Getting to see Yoshihiro Takahashi
+ Finishing school.. ?
+ Finishing school.. ?
- All the negative shit that's just becoming worse
- Winter.
Uh okay and now on to what I was actually supposed to write about. I just feel so shit atm cause I just can't stand myself being so... not good enough at anything. Today on zumba, I was scared as fuck to dance cause no one told me omg hana you move your body so niiiiicee and apparently I have to be told that to feel secure cause now I felt that I was just making a fool of myself cause everyone else was dancing much better than I was. That's the feeling I got, and that's the feeling I still have, no matter what anyone tells me, that feeling will stick. Uh and another thing that made me realize how shit I actually feel about myself is this mini contest about two mini paintings by bokkei, I couldn't enter cause I don't think I have a damn chance to win. "Why would she ever pick me, I have no fucking reasons to win anything so awesome" I told myself. That's the reason I never enter contests, they scare me cause I know (or well I can't know) that I'll never win anything. And, I can't really say that I hope that it's not true, that I'm not that shitty, cause in a way I hope I really am that shitty cause I wouldn't need to even try to change my ways of thinking. I'm just so tired of even trying.
Uh. yeah, that's just what I wanted to say. I'll just go angst somewhere now.
- Niko
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