But I probably will.
Ahaha. Such a random Saturday evening.. Oh the joy. Tho in the end I was just cold and tired and cold.. and tired. And high on being tired. Oh well. It was fun. Ooohh and Vallu turned 18 on.. Saturday! So yaaay
Hng, I think I’m going back to seventh grade. So not appropriate for what just was but.. Yeah. I’m totally going back to how I was on seventh grade, whether I want to or not. It’s like.. First of all, I’m all down and shit. Secondly, school doesn’t interest me AT ALL. I’m not doing homework for shit, I don’t listen for shit, I don’t do what we’re supposed to for shit, and tomorrow I will fail the first test we have on first grade of bildartesan. So.. awesome. I absolutely do not feel like being around in school, neither do i feel like being at home, cause.. it’s home. If I’m not in school, they’re gonna complain about it and.. if I’m in school ugh. well I don’t feel any better. I just want an quite room somewhere where no one gives a fuck so that I could calm the fuck down and get a grip of everything. hhnng. Why is this so hard. Oh my god. I so want to explain how I feel to one of my aunts and go live with her until i feel better, tho I have no idea how she’s holding up right now, so.. I don’t think that’s a good idea really. I doubt I’d dare do it anyway. But I can still see that image in my head, me going there with a big bag, without telling my parents where I went, and of course it’s raining, the perfect weather for this. And then I ring her door bell, all soaked and stuff, and she opens and she’s like oh my gaawwd come in u look .. something, whatever she says and I’m like burst out in tears or already crying and then we go in and I explain stuff and get hot chocolate and then I fall asleep on the couch and it’s cozy and shit and she probably calls my mom and is like calm it, she’s here but yoyo let her be here a bit and she’d prolly explain some things, but I doubt she’d say everything. Or. Maybe. I don’t know yet. Okay, she’d probably tell my mom but.. uh. idk. Hng, whatever. But yeah, it’d be coolioo.
But yyeaaah, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, I don’t want to fail that test, which I will, cause.. I’m like. I dunno. Actually I don’t feel shit enough to care, I suppose I’m just so masochistic I love hurting myself like this until I feel shit enough not to care. I’m a horrible person, against myself.
There’s nothing actually bad about feeling down, except the fact that I’m feeling down, but as long as I’m down enough, I won’t mind. But uuh, the only thing actually bad about it is that when in a relationship, the other partner will suffer. Why didn’t I know this. I do now tho, and it’s.. probably the only thing that I find painful in me being down, cause Vallu feels so shit when I feel shit. This has never before happened to me, cause I have never had anyone this close that would hear me complain and be with me often enough to see how I feel and that would care enough to feel bad when I do. It’s so much nicer with those friends, who don’t actually give a shit, cause your like buhuhuh fml and they’re like yeah yeah u’ll be fine and that’s it. No one will feel anything. It’s so easy.
But uh, another thing about me feeling bad, I probably don’t feel as bad as I seem to feel, I probably just attention whore a lot, cause.. I just do. I had this smart thought about all this but I have no forgotten what it was... Oh well, something about me attention whoring and hating myself cause I can’t be neutral against myself, I either like or dislike myself. and like. I could actually quite easily get rid of all the stuff that makes me feel down, but that would be pointless cause I’d still not like myself. I don’t need help with no depression, I need help with liking myself. I supposed I’m so used to disliking myself that I don’t really care anymore, I don’t feel liek I need to do anything about anything cause nothing matters. Okay, that’s not what I actually think but. I just.. wwhhhattevveerr.
31.10.11
Aahhhh hii. My computer is being a bitch again, I'll probably have to leave it in for.. fixing like.. sooon. Cause it's srsly dying.
Uuuh. I don't have much to say about today. Most of the day I've just been pissed or sad or felt.. whatever negative. And right now I feel like throwing my computer into the wall and just shouting and .. something. Uhh. Why does some things just have to be so hard.
My dog's been lying in my bed so i'll probably die tonight, cause .. breathing will be a problem. Also my eyes will be red like shiiit when I wake up. probably. Too tired to change duh lakanat. Oohh hhng suddenly a song that makes you feel... warm. Like summery. But then you realize it's winter and you're like fuuk. Okay, I'll try to.. make sense or something.
Todays subjeectt uuh. One of my favorite shows. Like, TV shows, probably Misfits or House or.. something. Some older ones that I also like are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena, ssooo awesome. Okay I have seriously nothing to say. Or well I have but I have this.. feeling, I can't write about it. Whatever.
- Niko
Uuuh. I don't have much to say about today. Most of the day I've just been pissed or sad or felt.. whatever negative. And right now I feel like throwing my computer into the wall and just shouting and .. something. Uhh. Why does some things just have to be so hard.
My dog's been lying in my bed so i'll probably die tonight, cause .. breathing will be a problem. Also my eyes will be red like shiiit when I wake up. probably. Too tired to change duh lakanat. Oohh hhng suddenly a song that makes you feel... warm. Like summery. But then you realize it's winter and you're like fuuk. Okay, I'll try to.. make sense or something.
Todays subjeectt uuh. One of my favorite shows. Like, TV shows, probably Misfits or House or.. something. Some older ones that I also like are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena, ssooo awesome. Okay I have seriously nothing to say. Or well I have but I have this.. feeling, I can't write about it. Whatever.
- Niko
No comments:
Post a Comment