I'm not sure whether (what even is English lol) I feel it's a bad or a good thing that I havent't been able to think deeply about stuff lately. I mean my thoughts have basically been "Get up you lazy ass", "Oh lord I need to take a shower I'msodirty blargh", "Jesus fuck I'm fucking hungry aaaahhh", "Need. To. Fart. Sobadly.", "God bed, let me marry you".
Really just casual thoughts. And in a way I'd like to be able to "analyse" shit that happens and think about stuff but I just..... can't get my brain working. It's just like lol, too lazy to open up the valve of deep thoughts, be hungry instead??
I also noticed I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone else but me. At least not depend on them more than I depend on myself ohmygod, can I even make a sentence like that in English, what am I doing..... ?
Well anyway, I don't want to need anyone else more than I need me, get what I'm saying? And it's not just a thing about being afraid of loosing someone you care about, but if you care about someone too much, you got to adjust your life so much to how they feel or what they want, because you don't want to hurt them or make them sad. Or well if you're strong and can stick to what you want and don't really care what the others want then I guess you're good but but, that's not what I wanted to talk about! WHAT I MEAN is just that with emotions and human reactions and actions, there's no actual right and wrong and so much depends on how you think and what you feel and and. It's not easy and easily becomes troubleful if you can't stand your ground if you for instance care too much about someone elses emotions in about an equal amount to how much you care about your own emitons! Because then you have to choose between making you sad or making the other one sad, and both choices are equally bad, and you can't expect to be able to blame your non well being on the other one for making a "wrong decision" since they want to feel happy but also want you to be happy and as I already said, human reactions and actions don't always have a right or wrong, and then you have a problematic situation and it's frustrating and hard to handle.
And that's why I don't want to become too personal with someone, I don't want anyone to become someone I care for more than I care for myself. And don't non of you guys be calling me selfish because caring for yourself, and making you the main thing of your life (at least when young) is important! It's important to get to know you and be able to continue being you and paying attention to you! And I'm in no way implying you should become an egobitch who runs around and pushes your importance in other peoples faces, and neither am I implying that you shouldn't care for others, you OBVIOUSLY should, but I'm just saying that you shouldn't get carried away with pleasing everyone else and completely forget about yourself..!
Over and out
- Niko
