November 21, 2010

Love yourself like no one else

I never seem to stop thinking, and lately this one thing about me.. or well, quite many things about me, has been bothering me. A lot.
So, I've never really considered myself a good person, and once again, I'm getting tired of living like this, just like when I decided on becoming less suicidal and depressed, but that my friends, is a completely different story. Anyways, so the thing that has been bothering me, mostly, is the fact that I don't seem to enjoy anything in life anymore. Not even drawing. It has all become such.. competing. Everything is just a competition, a competition of who has a boyfriend or not, who is more loved, who can draw better, who can score better, who can Idk, take a crap better, and that is just... wrong. Very wrong and very annoying, cause if I cannot accept the fact that I can't always be the best or even close being the best, I will have hella lots of problems in the future, just imagine. So that is indeed something I need to fix. In the past, I didn't have a problem like that, in the past I could draw cause I enjoyed it, not cause I had to keep people updated with cool art that they could comment like 'OMG THAT'S SO GOOD' and not cause I had to become better than .. some people, I'm not gonna mention them. And actually, by being this obsessed with being the best it has only made me worse.
The second thing I want to change is that I'd be more.. hmm, happy for other people? That sometimes, I don't need to be the one with the good stuff happening to make me happy, I'd like to be able to enjoy other peoples happiness and luck and joy and all instead of being jealous of them, cause they'd got something I didn't.
And third, I would love to be more open hearted. I'd love to be able to listen to people giving me advice, and try their advice, instead of always getting frustrated and angry cause people wont let me do it my way. Why would I always have to take the hard way? Why would I always have to deal with stuff myself if I can get help from my friends and make it so much easier? Yeah, and not only on the advice thing, incase you didn't know, I really suck at games (PC, PS, DS etc.) and that is cause I never.. feel the way that I'd need to learn to do the combos and how to use stuff in the games except for the basics ad moving forward and to the sides + hitting or something, you know. I'm just lazy and stoopid for ignoring the instructions the game gives me and so I always have a hard time playing games.

I don't think it is too hard to notice all these things are connected to each other, and I will (already am) try to deal with them as fast as possible, yet taking my time to make a change. Changes are never supposed to be made fast.

I will just end this blog entry here and go down to drink some water, Bye~
-Niko 

November 15, 2010

Who are we to judge

As reading the book I got today I fell asleep. And then I slept for several hours and.. I had a long weird dream that I can't remember anymore, but I was very confused as I woke up.
Anyhow, the book I got today is Called 'Nightlight', a parody of twilight. It's quite.. interesting, cause you have to read it as if you were watching a movie. 
And I'll just continue on the whole reading writing topic; I haven't written a single word in like 4 days. And I probably wont unless Holly comes around to inspire me. You know how one person just makes some stuff totally worth doing? Well she makes this totally worth doing, but she's not around cause she went to Japan. Have fun mon amie.

You might now I'm in the 'kind-off-odd-not-really-normal' category of people and I mean, people keeps judging me all the time. 'Normal' people.
But then again, don't I keep judging 'normal' people too? This is a good example of the fact that 'Who are we to judge anyone?'. 
Still, what would the world be without all these stupid judges?
Nothing I suppose, I guess people have always judged each other. And as long as you can take your judgement right there's no need to worry about them. Cause most of the time you don't even have to care about them.

Blaah, I was gonna write something long and cool and interesting about that judging thing, but mah, my brain is too sleepy to make stuff happen.

I guess I'll check the homework, draw, go on a walk, sleep.
What a boring day.

- Niko

November 8, 2010

Epic Story of Epiath

Hi.
I've planned to write shit here for many times now, but neve really been around a computer when I've felt like it.
So this is gonna be a lame post, unless I come up with something amazing as I write, that actually does happen.


Uh, so lately I've been busy with trying to catch up with everyone else on NaNoWriMo. Actually, at this point I'd just wanna quit, cause I'm having so enough of this sensless writing; I'm writing totally without any kind of plot. I knwo their destination, but just what the hell is supposed to happen in between that gap where they are now and to the end of the story? God knows.
The story started out okay but it's started to get so repeating cause I'm out of ideas and I just write shit. If you'd like to read it, I've posted it to google documents. I will probably be updating it once a while (maybe) so check up on it: Epic Story of Epiath.

What else what else what else... Well, it's getting colder. Today it was -2 degrees and I was freezing my butt of, I wonder how i managed to survive last winter.
I bought a new shirt yesterday as I was in Kokkola with my family. I'm not really sure when I'm gonna wear that shirt, but mom got happy atleast. :')
I really wish there were stores selling clothes that not every goddamn single teenager had. So hard to not look like a wanna be. I'm not, even if I'd be wearing clothes that other have, cause I'm not trying to be or look like someone else, I might just find the clothes wearable and pretty, but it's not like anyone will come ask me 'hey, are you a wanna be?', they will just judge me in their heads and make me a complete wanna be; no thank you world, I'm not inrtessed in your offer.

I'm sorry I always write such random things here, and never post any pictures. No wonder no one feels like reading my blog~

- Niko

October 8, 2010

Fucked up mind can really fuck you up.

Arg. This depression is just.. annoying.
It's not depressing nor is it sad, it's just really really a pain in my butt.
And I don't even know where it came from.
Or I might kinda know where it came from but I mean still, come on. what.
I blame it on (thisoneperson) for messing up my life; first I worry about him confessing his feelings to me (if he has any) and me not being able to response to them, then I worry about my friend stealing him cause everyone loves my friend even tho' I didn't even love him or want to be with him. THEN I dunno, his appearance just messed it all up and now I can't get it back on track. 
+ I'm sooooo tired. Man studying is really with the while, at least if you look at the grades but I mean. It kills you, cause you won't be sleeping good, mmhm. So I guess that's also taking down my mood, cause I can't really.. enjoy stuff when I'm tired. I mean, I could look out of the window and be like oh these fall colors are so lovely and and sitting inside in this darkness with candless and purr ♥
No, instead all I see is fucking dark clouds, bad weather, windy shit and like.. rain. Everything is just dark and gloomy, yayayayayaya.

And my computer all 'bitchy sounds FTW' again. I mean, yeah. I understand, cause I mean, you're old dear friend, but couldn't you just stop sounding like a tattooer for like.. 2 seconds!? Burns my ears.

Sorry I'm just bragging about everything, lol :''D

I hate me for hating me. 
-Niko

October 5, 2010

Red Thread.

I think PowerNapping is the best invetion EVUR. I wonder who came up with it?
I can imagine some smart ass person being like; 'Man, I've been working (= thinkin' of what happens when we die, or where the universe ends, or does God exist. U know, big life questions!) so hard all day! I really need to sleep... I guess I could lay down... and rest a bit...' and then they fall asleep, waking up 15 minutes later feeling like they've slept for hours and they can continue thinking again, EUREKA!

My mom's been to Helsinki for a 2 days now, and she'll be coming home today a bit later on. The first morning my bro' woke up late to school and my lil' sister couldn't eat breakfast cause she can't make her own breakfast.
Oh, did I mention that my brother is soon 18 years old and that my sister is already 13 years old. :')
I love the fact that no one seems to be able to take care of them selves in this family except for me and my parent, hooray!

Anywho. I just had my first Physics test on 9th grade and I'll hopefully be getting it back on Thursday, which is by the way the day when I have another test; civics. And I'm not all that happy about economy stuff so, my ass. I don't know a piece of shit. I was supposed to read to it today but guess what this lazy person was doing? I was looking at awesome people at the 24h comic thing.

Which takes us to the next subject; I REALLY WANNA GO ON A 24H COMIC THING. :'C If you don't know what I'm talking about then lemme tell ya. It's like this.. gathering where people try to make 24 pages of comic in 24 hours. It seems like a really awesome experience + I love staying awake making myself do shit :''D So yeah, if anyone knows when they're gonna arrange something like that in Finland please tell me. Or if you decide to arrange it with your friends, I'd love to join ~

Blargh, anyways, I think I'm gonna continue studying for a while, then take a shower and after all that, I will try to get some sleep. 

Peace,
- Niko

September 30, 2010

Thank You.

Lately I've been getting a lot of 'Thanks' and 'Thank You's, and in my opinion that's the most difficult question you can ask someone. Or well, it's not actually a question, cause it does not contain a ? but still, it's something you in most cases do answer or it'll just be awkward.
To me it's awkward either way, no matter if I choose not to answer or if I choose to answer, cause I have no idea what to really answer. Normal people just answer 'No problem!' or 'You're welcome!' but the answering part always starts bothering me cause.. .. It just doesn't sound right when it comes out of me.
It's like when someone compliments my art, I feel like I'd need to say something more than just 'Thanks' or 'Thank you'. The words just feel.. so empty. So without meaning. Yet so egoistic in a way.
I guess I'm just afraid of falling into my egoism again if I fully and truly take a compliment. That's just stupid isn't it, but I'm still so unsteady so yeah. There's always the risk of falling back in.

I've had a horrible art block these past few weeks, or even months, I'm not even sure. But today I finished a drawing. It's only in black and white, and was first supposed to be made with liners but it ended up pencil way. It's still nice :') It's this dead bird, lying on the ground and there's blood around it and like yeah. Not too realistic but not all cartoonish so mm. 

I don't really know what else to write about, physic test coming up on Monday.

- Niko

July 11, 2010

And I'm back with another amazing story from my life!
Notice how I always seem to write these in the middle of the night? I'm not saying I'm drunk or anything (most likely just sugar high) but. yeah.

Today I went to the beach with my parents. I tried studying japanese there cause it was calm, a bit windy, but calm and nice. But I soon noticed there were these small black really annoying bugs that really didn't have any other purpose than walking around on me being annoying. So in the end I ended up walking around on the beach cause I couldn't take sitting there with those bugs. The water was too cold for swimming. :'(

Lately I haven't got anything done. Just been playing Kingdom Hearts II until I got stuck and now I've hired my brother to help me proceed. He'll get 5 euro if he succeeds. :')
I've also played beach volley. On our yard! And that's why I have this big nice bruise on my arm.
2 of my friends are on vacation, they'll be gone for sometime, and I really miss them. I hate when people goes on vacation, grh.
Today I also was out riding my moped~ I don't really do it too often cause I hardly ever go anywhere + I seem to need a destination to be able to ... go. anywhere. Uhm.

Anyways. I'm gonna try to relax now, for somewhile. before i go to bed. Try to draw something.
Yeah, bye.

- Niko

June 17, 2010

why do I find the word 'laborous' funny? Hmh.

My room's a mess and I'd need to clean it.
But I'm not gonna. Cause I'm far too busy with doing.. .. well nothing.
That's what I've been doing the past few days. Of course I haven't just been laying around in my bed, instead I've chosen to be a pain in the ass for my sofa and tv. Yeah, I've spent all my days watching tv. And found out that Scrubs' a really good tv show and that Family Guy's really worth watching. Just not too much.

Somewhere in between all that hardcore laborious tv watching I've also managed to draw a few pictures.
None of them were anything big or special, but worth being posted on deviantART so yeah, you can go check it out cause I know that you know that you wanna know more about these mysterious pieces of artwork.

I guess you now assume I watch tv and draw crappy pictures all day long just cause I'm bored out of my mind and don't have a life to spend on anything more important. But you're WRONG.
I have the Nekomata Project I should be working on but for some weird and oddly twisted reasons I'm not. Which makes me very angry cause something tells me that weird and oddly twisted reason is lazyness, and I slack off all too much. Anyone wanna make me work? Hit me hard in the face and tell me that if I don't do my work RIGHT NOW someone might just eat my food.
... Okay forget about all that from point Anyone wanna make my work to point someone might just eat my food. Thanks.

Oh boy, writing this blog really makes me wonder why I'm writing it. SEE WHAT NETWORK DOES.
Yeah.

~Niko

January 15, 2010

Kino goes Lazy on your asses.

En kerenyt kirjoittelemaan mitään blogia eilen, joten tulee kahden pvn blogi tänään. Tosin kukaan ei välitä jso päivä tai kaksi jäisikin väliin koska kukaan ei luultavasti edes lue tätä :'DD

Torstai 14.1 -10
Tänään oli kyllä jo melkein niin ettei jaksaisi ollenkaan nousta, mutta pakotin itseni ylös sängystä koska oli silti pakko päästä suihkuun. Join myös ison kupillisen kahvia, ah.
Tämä on yksi niistä harvoista päivistä joista pidän, koska meillä on kemiaa, enkkua ja sitten koko loppu koulupäivästä käsitöitä, ah <3

Kotona piti selvitä jotenki ku äiti oli jossai muualla, mutta juu. Tein valmiiks sen unisiepparin. Ylpeä olen~
Lähdin alas katsomaan telkkua mutta nukahdinkin sohvalle ja heräsin siihen että puhelin soi, sisko vain kysyi oliko äiti jo kotona.
Sohvalta sitte raahauduin takaisin huoneeseeni tekemään jotain, kunnes päätin kokeilla neulomista.
Nukahdin kesken sitäkin puuhaa, eikä siitä edes tullut mitään joten ihan hyvä se vain että nukahdin. <<

Illemmalla sitten vain istuin keittiön lattialla lukemassa Stephen Kingin 'Cell' kirjaa ja sen jälkeen lähdin nukkumaan.


Perjantai 15.1 -10
Heräsin kello kuudelta ja mietin että mitä helvettiä teen hereillä näin aikasin, päätin sitten lukea Celliä tunnin ennenkö menin aamiaiselle.

Koulussa oli matikkaa, kemiaa, Hkta ja äikkää. Äikän tunnilla ope yhtäkkii muisti et olin ollu matkalla Dubaihin ja kysyi oliko minulla mukana kuvia ja jotain kerrottavaa. Selitin että ne olivat kotona koska matkasta on jo ollut aika pitkä, joten tiistaina pitäisi sitten kertoa siitä matkasta, hauskaa. :')

Cell on nyt luettu, mahtava kirja! Suosittelen. :'DD

Tilattiin just junaliput huomiseks ja nytten kai pitäis vaan tarkistaa että on kaikkee mitä sitten tarvitsenkaa mukaan ja kaikkea päälle laittamista sun muuta (y)

No juuh, en keksi mtn.

- Kinoko

---

I didn't have time to write a blog yesterday so there's gonna be for two days today. Even tho' it doesn't really matter if I wouldn't write a bout a day or two, it's not like anyone's reading this anyways. :'DD

Thursday 14.1 -10
Today I really didn't feel like getting up at all, but I forced my self to get a shower. Also had to drink a big cup of coffee, yum.
This is one of those special days that I actually like, we have chemistry, english and then handcraft the rest of the day~
At home I had to survive somehow cause mom was somewhere else, but yeah. I finished the dreamcatcher, Imma proud. :')
Then I went downstairs to watch TV but fell asleep as watching Greys Anatomy. Woke up cause my phone rang, just my sis' wondering if mom's home.
I then decided to go back up to my room to do something, and ended up knitting. I fell asleep in the middle of my knitting but I guess taht was just good, it wasn't really working out that well..

Later on I just spent my time reading Cell by Stephen King on our kitchen floor and after that I went to sleep.

Friday 15.1 -10
I woke up at six o'clock AM wondering just what the hell I was doing up this early. So I decided I'd read Cell for a hour before I went down to have some breakfast.

We had some boring classes, nothign special (= too lazy to translate :>)

And I've now red Cell, it was a great book. I recommend it ~

We ordered the train tickets just a moment ago and I guess I should make stuff ready for tomorrow. Like all this shit like having clean clothes, knowing what to take with you, charge my dead digi camera, take a shower and stuff. (y)

The end. :'))

- Kinoko


January 13, 2010

Lattiat - Floors

Pitäisi todella mennä aikaisin nukkumaan tänän, kamalan rankkaa herätä kuudelta tänää aamul. .__.
No juuh, pääsin silti heittäytymään kouluun. Oli taas niin kylmä että piti mennä potkukelkalla, hurr.
Liikunta oli ihan ok, historia oli ihan ok, suomi oli ihan.. ok. Okei parempi ku ok, saatiin dataa. Kamut ja mie heittäydyttii tietenki heti MLIA lukemaan jotain, kunnes ope tuli sinne valittamaan että meidän pitäis kirjoittaa ne tekstit.
Nojuuh, sitte sen jälkeen matikaa, sain 9 kokeesta (y)

Koulun jälkeen lähdin Miran luo, soittelin pianoa, datattiin, piirrettiin ja laulettiin. Perus juttuja siis. Ja sitte syötiin kalapuikkoja ja perunamuusia, mm :'))

Puoli kuodeelta lähdettiin Japaninkielen kurssille, ope kerto jostain japani kaupasta Tampereella, pitääkin käydä siellä joskus kun saan aikaa. Asiat kävi taas hieman liian nopeasti, en oikeen kerenny mukaan. pitäsköhän ehkä opetella ne Hiraganat ja Katakanat niin olis niin paljo helpompaa.. :'))

Nojoo. Ella ja Emmi anto ne junalippu rahat ja sitte mentii kotiin. Kotona sitte söin vaan jonku pitsa palan, ei sinäänsä edes nälkä mutta niin. Ja sitte oli keskustelu äidin kaa, kesken kaikkea vaan yhtäkkiä purskahdin itkuun. Paljoa pomputtelua on tänäänki tultu kestettyä mutta en kestäny ihan koko päivää. No sellaista sattuu.

Nyt sitten vain odottelen että äiti lähtisi jonnekkin että voin hiippailla hakemaan kaikkea namia vaikka ei todellakaan pitäisi syödä vaan liikkua. Huoh. Muttakun väsyttää näin paljon ja muutenkin ajat ihan sekaisin niin ei tee mieli muuta ku laiskotella ja nukkua. Ja syödä ofc.

Hmm, siinä sitten se.

- Kinoko

---

I should totally go sleep earlier today, it was just horrible to get up today. .__.
Oh well, still got my lazy ass to school. It was once again to cold to go by bike, hurr. Gym class was ok, History was ok, Finnish was ... ok. No, more than ok. We spent the most time infront of the computers and ofc, me and my friends went to read some MLIA until the teacher told us we have to write some text shit.
After that we had math, I got 9 in the test (y)

After school I went to Mira, we played piano, browsed on the internet, drew and sang, stuff we always seem to do. And then we ate fishsticks and ... (en jaksa muistaa tai ettii sanakirjast. =u=)

Half past five we moved on to Japanese class, our teacher told us something about some japanese store in Tampere, i totally gotta go there sometime. Things were once again rolling to fast, I fell off track a few times even tho' I tried hard to stay on. :') I totally should learn all the Hiraganas and Katakanas, everything would be so much easier...

After class Ella and Emmi gave the trainticket money and then we went back home. I ate some pizza even tho' I wasn't really hungry, just felt like it. And then I broke down and cried in the middle of a conversation with my mom. But hey, such things happen when you don't get enough sleep and when the day has been one big shit.

And now I'm just waiting for mom to leave so i can go get something sweet to eat, even tho' I'm supposed to be training or something instead of eating but I'm just way to tired to move my body more than neccessary. Gosh.

Hmm, that's about it.

- Kinoko

January 12, 2010

Die potato!

Iltaa porukat~
Päätin sitten aloittaan jonkinlaista blogausta täällä, olinhan jo kerran aijemminkin yrittäänyt mutta unohtui koko blogi aika nopeasti (toivottavasti ei niin tapahdu uudelleen, on kyllä hyvin huono muisti..).

Noh noh, kirjoittelen siis vain .. no. elämästäni. mitä teen, mitä tapahtuu. ei liian yksityiskohtaisesti, mutta silti. Ja Blogia tulee suomeksi kuin englanniksi. :'))

Tänään oli siis tiistai, kuvista luvassa koulussa. Yeah. Heräsin hieman myöhemmin kun normaalisti mutta ehdin silti ihan hyvin ajoissa kouluun. Oli jo niin lämmin että pystyi pyörällä menemään (y)
Muita aineita tänään koulussa olikin sitten enkkua, maatietoa ja äikkää. Sinäänsä ihan helppo päivä.
Huomenna tosin liikuntaa, hyi. Mitäköhän mahdetaan tehdä, pitääkin tarkistaa myöhemmin.

Noh, tulin kotiin, kävin lenkillä koiran kanssa ja sitte otin mukaan naposteltavaa ylös ja odotellessani että Umineko No Naku Koro Ni lataisi katsoin Strawberry Panic!in valmiiksi, oli silti vain jonkun 3 episodin verran jälellä. Tein myös kalapuikkoja tänään, mutta niitten onnistumisesta ei sen enempää keskustella. köh. :')))

Yliaktiivisuus on ihan hyvä juttu, kunhan olisi valoisaa pidempää. Voisi se kesä jo tulla. :'<
Meh, enpäs tiedä mitä muuta kirjoittaa, siinä on suunnilleen päiväni. Paitsi että jossain välissä katsoin myös episoden Uminekoa ja suunnittelin vaatteita Alicelle ja sain sen kaulahuivin valmiiksi. Mutta juu, pikku asoita~

- Kinoko

---

Hello boys and gals, friends and pals!~
Well yeah, I decided to start somekind of an blog here, I've tried once before but ended up in failure. Hopefully this one wont (even tho' I have a VERY bad memory... )

Oh well, I'll be writing about.. my life. what I do, what happens and such things. Nothing too much in detail ofc, but just something. And the blog will be in both Finnish and English. (y)

Today it was Tuesday, art clas, yay. I woke up a bit later than usually but didn't luckily get late for school. It's already warm enough for me to bike to shcool. Besides art we had English (yay), Geography and Mother Tounge (w/e it may be named in English.) Just a normal day to say.
But tomorrow we'll have gym class, sucks. I wonder what we'll do, gotta check it later..

Later on I came home, went for a walk with the dog and then grabbed some food that I'd eat while watching the few last episodes of Strawberry Panic! waiting for Umineko No Naku Koro Ni to load.
I made fishsticks today too, but.. yeah. Krhm. I'm great at cooking. :'))

I'm totally hyperactive, and it's kind of a good thing. I wish the sun'd shine for a few hours more tho'. Hope summer comes fast :'<
Meh, can't come up with anything more to write, that's about my day. Besides watching an episode of Umineko and making that scarf for Alice, but they're all just small stuff. No big deal~

- Kinoko