Day 21 - One of your favorite shows

30.10.2011 - Day 20 - How important you think education is.
But I probably will.
Ahaha. Such a random Saturday evening.. Oh the joy. Tho in the end I was just cold and tired and cold.. and tired. And high on being tired. Oh well. It was fun. Ooohh and Vallu turned 18 on.. Saturday! So yaaay
Hng, I think I’m going back to seventh grade. So not appropriate for what just was but.. Yeah. I’m totally going back to how I was on seventh grade, whether I want to or not. It’s like.. First of all, I’m all down and shit. Secondly, school doesn’t interest me AT ALL. I’m not doing homework for shit, I don’t listen for shit, I don’t do what we’re supposed to for shit, and tomorrow I will fail the first test we have on first grade of bildartesan. So.. awesome. I absolutely do not feel like being around in school, neither do i feel like being at home, cause.. it’s home. If I’m not in school, they’re gonna complain about it and.. if I’m in school ugh. well I don’t feel any better. I just want an quite room somewhere where no one gives a fuck so that I could calm the fuck down and get a grip of everything. hhnng. Why is this so hard. Oh my god. I so want to explain how I feel to one of my aunts and go live with her until i feel better, tho I have no idea how she’s holding up right now, so.. I don’t think that’s a good idea really. I doubt I’d dare do it anyway. But I can still see that image in my head, me going there with a big bag, without telling my parents where I went, and of course it’s raining, the perfect weather for this. And then I ring her door bell, all soaked and stuff, and she opens and she’s like oh my gaawwd come in u look .. something, whatever she says and I’m like burst out in tears or already crying and then we go in and I explain stuff and get hot chocolate and then I fall asleep on the couch and it’s cozy and shit and she probably calls my mom and is like calm it, she’s here but yoyo let her be here a bit and she’d prolly explain some things, but I doubt she’d say everything. Or. Maybe. I don’t know yet. Okay, she’d probably tell my mom but.. uh. idk. Hng, whatever. But yeah, it’d be coolioo.
But yyeaaah, I don’t want to go to school tomorrow, I don’t want to fail that test, which I will, cause.. I’m like. I dunno. Actually I don’t feel shit enough to care, I suppose I’m just so masochistic I love hurting myself like this until I feel shit enough not to care. I’m a horrible person, against myself. 
There’s nothing actually bad about feeling down, except the fact that I’m feeling down, but as long as I’m down enough, I won’t mind. But uuh, the only thing actually bad about it is that when in a relationship, the other partner will suffer. Why didn’t I know this. I do now tho, and it’s.. probably the only thing that I find painful in me being down, cause Vallu feels so shit when I feel shit. This has never before happened to me, cause I have never had anyone this close that would hear me complain and be with me often enough to see how I feel and that would care enough to feel bad when I do. It’s so much nicer with those friends, who don’t actually give a shit, cause your like buhuhuh fml and they’re like yeah yeah u’ll be fine and that’s it. No one will feel anything. It’s so easy. 
But uh, another thing about me feeling bad, I probably don’t feel as bad as I seem to feel, I probably just attention whore a lot, cause.. I just do. I had this smart thought about all this but I have no forgotten what it was... Oh well, something about me attention whoring and hating myself cause I can’t be neutral against myself, I either like or dislike myself. and like. I could actually quite easily get rid of all the stuff that makes me feel down, but that would be pointless cause I’d still not like myself. I don’t need help with no depression, I need help with liking myself. I supposed I’m so used to disliking myself that I don’t really care anymore, I don’t feel liek I need to do anything about anything cause nothing matters. Okay, that’s not what I actually think but. I just.. wwhhhattevveerr.


31.10.11

Aahhhh hii. My computer is being a bitch again, I'll probably have to leave it in for.. fixing like.. sooon. Cause it's srsly dying.
Uuuh. I don't have much to say about today. Most of the day I've just been pissed or sad or felt.. whatever negative. And right now I feel like throwing my computer into the wall and just shouting and .. something. Uhh. Why does some things just have to be so hard.
My dog's been lying in my bed so i'll probably die tonight, cause .. breathing will be a problem. Also my eyes will be red like shiiit when I wake up. probably. Too tired to change duh lakanat. Oohh hhng suddenly a song that makes you feel... warm. Like summery. But then you realize it's winter and you're like fuuk. Okay, I'll try to.. make sense or something.

Todays subjeectt uuh. One of my favorite shows. Like, TV shows, probably Misfits or House or.. something. Some older ones that I also like are Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Xena, ssooo awesome. Okay I have seriously nothing to say. Or well I have but I have this.. feeling, I can't write about it. Whatever.
- Niko

Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.

The pace was finally becoming closer to normal, she was getting calmer. The redhead leaned against the kitchen table with her left hand and wiped off some blood from her cheek with her other hand. Calm, calm.

The sudden cough made her "calm" disappear. She took a few heavy breaths, then turned around to look at the bare feet, the long legs on the floor. Everything else was covered by the end of the kitchen table, so she slowly took a few steps towards the body, to see what was going on.

Her glance was met by a slightly confused, a bit drugged looking pair of eyes, staring up at her while blood was running down the victims dimple. The girl on the floor made a gurgling sound and more blood poured from her mouth.

Ugh. Gross. The redhead took a step over the soon to be dead body and crotched down to be able to hear the poor girl last words. Bloody gurgles again, some coughing.

- Hgg.. That was a bit .. sudden.. don't you.. think..? 

The girl on the floor smiled a bit, followed by yet some more gurgles. The redhead just wanted to stab this bitch to death, this was getting a bit too gross.

- .. Interesting.. stuff turned out.. gurgl.. like this.. we were once .. best friends.. now suddenly.. *cough* .. I die, stabbed.. in my own.. kitchen.., she was still smiling. The redhead hated that smile, oh how she did. But this was indeed quite an interesting situation, more than it was supposed to be. But it'd soon be over.

She pulled out a knife that was still smeared with blood, held it with both her hands. She took one last look at the girl under her hands, she was still smiling. Oh how this filled her with anger and without hesitation she stabbed her, hard. Many many times. To make sure this time, she wouldn't come back gurgling for her. She'd stay dead, as dead as a dead person can be. 

After about 10 stabs she stopped. Sat there beside the gory view of what once was a very pretty young girl.

Ugh wtf this storything came to me as I was doing other stuff today but then it jsut pooped and now it's shit, fuck that. 

.. Todays thing, I don't get it. Is it a question or what? I'm not gonna do anything about that then :'v

Hnngg. Interesting how I can't stand Animelehti. Whenever I notice I've got it in the mail I'm like FUCK YEAH but then before even beginning to read it, I just wanna.. tear it into peaces and throw it away, hide it and never need to look at it. CAN I BE JEaLOUS OF EVEN ANIMELEHTI whaaaat is going on in my life. No srsly, I can't stand animelehti cause I'm afraid (or I think atleast that's the case..) of finding stuff there that I can't stand (= pretty much everything ahaha) but it's.. I have a love hate relationship with everything.

Uh. At first, when I came to my new school, I was ofc excited and ridiculously nervous. Then  I got friends and then everything seemed chill and nice and stuff was just awesome and it felt like I had finally come to a school that I'd like. Now, I don't think I belong there at all. I'm actually really uncomfy being there. It's not the people, it's not the teachers, it's not the things we do, it's just me. I don't think that's a good school for me, I feel extremely out of place cause.. maybe I'm not interested in art? I mean. As watching the Italy thing the third graders had today, I was just like holy fucks, how the fuck do they care a bout all this shit art that doesn't really seem interesting at all. It's like when I shop clothes, or anything else. I don't walk around there for many hours and look through everything. I walk in, take a quick toll through the shop and stop at places where I think I see something nice, then I get out, and I've noticed almost all my other friends don't do this, they spend so much more time looking at everything. Okay back to the art thing, so yeah. I can't say I'm really interested at all in checking out stuff on exhibitions, and I don't really think Gogh or someone else is that cool / interesting / inspiring, whatever, and I just feel like I don't belong, at all. Maybe something else is supposed to be the passion of my life. Or maybe I'm supposed to have art as a hobby and just be some n00b shit and work at a office or someshit. No but srsly. I don't give a fuck. And I kind of feel bad, yet not.

Also another thing, that kind of also have to do with these feelings, or well they're somehow connected, is the fact that I have this urge to get away from all people and everything. I want a very tiny apartment in some big / semi big town where I can just sit all by myself, listen to music, look at the rain or whatever shit going on outside, the bypassing cars and people. I wouldn't have to do anything, wouldn't have to be anywhere, wouldn't have to meet anyone, and I'd have a siwa or something like right across the street. And then, I'd never need to go out anywhere and be with anyone like ever. I'd have my comp, my kittens and my hobbies. I'd probably become fat, but like hell I'll ever be happy with myself, might as well. So yeah, I'd like to not need to go anywhere or do anything. I don't want to be anywhere, I don't want to be with anyone. Leave me to be.

Been listening to Depeche Mode "Wrong" past few days. So me.
- Niko

Day 18 - Your beliefs.

Whhaaat. Feels like I've already written about something like that? Oh, it was my views on religion. Uh, almost same thing but hey, I'll just quickly explain this, mmkaay.
Okay so my beliefs uh. I don't believe in Jesus or God or the Bible shit or any other made up God creature that we humans have created. I believe in the universe, I might believe in destiny, a bit, I believe in coincidence and luck and I somewhat believe that we all have some kind of life plan and a place in life, ahaha. Or well, I think that way to depress myself even more. But yeah, I believe that there is some kind of a higher might and well ocf, we humans are such tiny creatures when thinking how big everything is so yeah, I believe in the universe, I believe in thoughts.

Hng, today we finally finished that short film we've been working real hard on for 3 days now, it's about 5½min long and.. I wont be showing it ahaha. It'll be shown in school, then forgotten and rotten away. But yeah, it became much better than expected and I'm reeeally happy with it. So yeah, today I've lived on energy drinks and sugar, wuhuu.

Uh, I don't have much more to say. I'll just... Continue feeling like this and and. try to do something.
Small update, I know. Hng.

- Niko

Bullshit.

I just have to write right now cause I just feel so shitty and I.. don't know what else to do. But I'll start with a few other things I've had in mind.

I absolutely hate it when people say things like "Oh my goood you're so good at drawing animals! Wish I was that good tooo but I dunno shiiit brooo!". Okay well gee thanks for all that but I don't actually know how to draw animals for shit either. I mean, I pretty much just draw canines, canines with horrible anatomy cause I've never bothered to learn how to draw them for real, I've just been drawing that shit of manga stuff I call it, thus it's anatomy is all fucked up. It's nothing close to what a real thing looks like, might look good to you but it isn't so I don't want to hear that crap. And yes, that's pretty much the animals I "can" draw. I can't draw cats, I can't draw horses, nor can I draw turtles. So no, I really can't draw animals.

Secondly, you shouldn't be jealous of this skill, it has pretty much just brought a whole lot of shit into my life, made it even worse than it was. Except for the fact that I met Kai but hey that's about it. I've just been dissed cause I only keep drawing dogs and manga and all that shit, people hate it. And if I wouldn't have started drawing that shit, I'd probably still draw realistic stuff, like I did in the past. I used to copy all the real shit I could find in our house; our cat's, our fireplace, our house, some trees and flowers and stuff like that, but for some reason I seem to have stopped doing so. or well not actually, the interest just decreased a bit, I still liked drawing but I didn't really know how to do it, but yeah, I liked it, and I drew in school and all that. So, maybe I'd be fucking awesome on realistic stuff now, which I'd prolly have more use of than this bullcrap of dogs I draw now. I mean, yeah I had a dream to become an mangaka, fuck that's the only reason I stuck to manga, but I have realized it'll never come true and .. everything is just stupid about this shit. And it annoys me that I'm so stuck in stuff I can't change, cause I hate myself so much for them mistakes I made, that I can't fucking move on and progress, I can't become better for shit and actually learn. I just pity myself for something I don't have cause I don't think I'll ever achieve it.

There is one thing in the universe that i'd like to have, and that's eternal life. Like seriously, think of all the stuff I could do with that. I could do everything. Eternal life is like the ultimate solution to everything. By living for forever I could learn all the things I wont be able to learn during my life now, I could become what I want to become and I could do everything I'd like to do, it'd be awesome. But, I'm not still quite sure whether I'd like to be able to kill myself or not, cause.. I might kill myself too early, by not being able to even commit suicide I'd have to push through things instead of giving up and just dying, that'd be so cool.

It's interesting how realizations in the past meant so much to me, they made me think and reconsider and and shit like that, they made me change stuff, but realizations these days just come.. and then they go, and nothing happens. Nothing changes. I just realize stuff and then it's like hm okay interesting but I won't do anything about it. .. wait does this mean my situation has gotten worse? ooh fuck.

Okay and then quickly the day thing, can't remember the fuck day it is but it's the highs and lows of this year. uuuh.

+ Vallu

+ Getting to see Yoshihiro Takahashi
+ Finishing school.. ?

- All the negative shit that's just becoming worse

- Winter.

Uh okay and now on to what I was actually supposed to write about. I just feel so shit atm cause I just can't stand myself being so... not good enough at anything. Today on zumba, I was scared as fuck to dance cause no one told me omg hana you move your body so niiiiicee and apparently I have to be told that to feel secure cause now I felt that I was just making a fool of myself cause everyone else was dancing much better than I was. That's the feeling I got, and that's the feeling I still have, no matter what anyone tells me, that feeling will stick. Uh and another thing that made me realize how shit I actually feel about myself is this mini contest about two mini paintings by bokkei, I couldn't enter cause I don't think I have a damn chance to win. "Why would she ever pick me, I have no fucking reasons to win anything so awesome" I told myself. That's the reason I never enter contests, they scare me cause I know (or well I can't know) that I'll never win anything. And, I can't really say that I hope that it's not true, that I'm not that shitty, cause in a way I hope I really am that shitty cause I wouldn't need to even try to change my ways of thinking. I'm just so tired of even trying.
Uh. yeah, that's just what I wanted to say. I'll just go angst somewhere now.

- Niko

SSUUPP?? [day 16 muehheheh]

HAAII u gaaaiiis ♥ sorry I have been terribly boring and inactive lately, my heads just been a mess and there's been so much that I need to get done (still is but hey, it's okay!). BUT now I'm gonna try to write a proper blog post, I'm gonna tell you about  the dream I had.. 
Anyway, first things first!


Day 15 - Your favourite tumblrs.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Why I skipped the favorite tumblr thing is cause.. I don't really use tumblr that much and everyone I'm following are like.. favorite tumblrs cause there's just a few of them and I wouldn't follow them if they didn't post awsm shit u know so uh yeah.I'll skip that one and do the nextt onnee..
My views on mainstream music.. uh, is that like.. Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, ... Rihanna? pr what? cause if it is then, okay. Um. I usually don't listen to mainstream music the way I listen to "my music" I mean, I don't like, get all their cds and constantly listen to their songs but I like all kinds of music so ofc I can listen to some of their songs sometimes, and I mean, they mostly make quite good music too, I mean like.. Rihanna and shiet, she makes music that makes me wanna dance, and I liek dancing so.. why not? So.. I don't have anything against mainstream music, it's still just music and .. it's just like all the other music in the world. It can be good, might be reeeaally good or then total shit. The fact that it's mainstream doesn't change it. Still just music. 


Yaaaay. And now onto telling bout my dreaaam. So uh. I have no idea why the fuck, but apparently me and some of my friends and some random people had climbed up to some cabin in the middle of the woods on some kind of a .. hill, mountain thing, it was rally hard to get up there and shit. I can't really remember what we did but there were some bears that got reeeeally pissed of and we became like hostages inside the cabin cause at one part me and my friend tried to sneak out and get help but the bears were liek GRROOAST6yghbakwlknhjak >:''BBBBBBBBBBB and we ran back into the cabin. I think at some point, our groups parted and tried to get down from the mountain hill thing from different sides and me and one of my friends got away and I think we got into town or something? Then at some part I lost her and.. I dunno really what happened, it was stupid :'D But the bears were really scary :''c

Okay, I'll go eat breakfast now! Then continue sewing~
- Niko

PHOTOSHOOOTTT [Day 14 - Your earliest memory.]

Ahihi yaay, I'm done with taking lame bathroom pictures with random make up and random hair!
I haven't edited any of them cause Iäm lazy and I want food, but I have plans on photoshopping them.. (as if I'll ever do it). BUT YEAH here's a few!

ahaihaia I'm beautifuull. Okay today's topic.
Umm I don't really know what my earliest memory is, but 2 things that I remember from when I was quite young is uh, this one time when my mom was cleaning our house and I asked if I could draw and she .. we had like this table and chair that was.. together putable. AHAHA collapsible? so yeah, I always used to draw using it, so yyeah, she was cleaning and I was sitting in my collapsible chairtable combination drawing!
The other early memory I have is me and my bro playing outside at this park with these climbing things and shiet, and he told me to try to get over this thing where it's like bars and shit and you're supposed to hang from them and move from bar to bar to the other side, and I ofc fell to the ground and started crying or someshit. :'D

OKAY uuh I'm hungry I'll go eat nao, LAME POSTS FTW. when am i gonna starts doing this properly..

- Niko

MAKE UP

YOYO just quick odd update, cause I'm waiting for my camera battery to charge IT DIED hng!
But yeah, i got bored and played around with makeup SO I DID A LIL.. bathroom photoshoot. BUT I look awesome so thus I shall post a few pics here, soon. as fast as I'm done. BUT here's some shitty webcam previews!

- Niko

Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

Hhhaaaaii I'm back. I was wokring all day yesterday so buhahahaha. Today i should finish my english essay but shit it's not working :'c I hate writing essays. I hate writing. Used to like it but I just hate everything these days. hng.
Okay but uh uh, prolly just quick update today too, hhhnnn sorryy ;__; I'm just so.. f up rite nao, can't concentrate, can't do shit. I don't get to sleep enough.
Umm, I'd like to visit Japan, maybe Korea, England, Canada, USA uuuhh... Thailand, Australia... yyyeaah. Oh all the places I'd like to go to. Places I'd like to move too.. uh. Well I have never really imagined moving outside Finland cause I'm a wuzz, and uh.. But I could imagine living in Tampere or Maybe hesa, somewhere bigger than this.. a small cute apartment.. öwö Buuut yyyeah. Okay this would be a ridiculously short post if I left it like this.. Oh I know, I can tell you about the shortfilm thing we're working on in school!
Um so, we have like a week on us to film an edit a short movie, and my group (me, Maria & Naomi) will be filming a story about a boy named Jonas who gets dissed in school and starts feeling like shit and then he meets this one other guy and they fall in love and it's amazing. Uh.

Okay but uh. I'll go and try to get my essay done now and and.. try not to feel like shit.
- Niko

Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.

Duh fuck? like.. list my day?? Idk, I'll do that cause shit do I care what that actually means buhihihih.

7:20 I got up, ate, drew, got done for school and left for school
9:00 School started, we didn't do much. Just showed our stories to the others and then we got to know that we're gonna make a movie and uh.. yeaah.
11:00 Lunch nomnom
12:00 We were back in school and I did some work for Lillemooo
12:30-13:00 Chillin with Vallu in school, she had some CV stuff that she needed to do so I chilled with my head in her lap.. hnyaa ♥
13:15 get home, eat shit loads, regret everything... BUT I COULDN'T RESIST! It was so delish ;__;
~14:00 Opened my comp and .. checked all the things I had to checkk.. then I fell asleep.
15:10 wake up, feel like shit cause you're so tired, but go sew anyway
16:50 Stop sewing cause you've had enough. I just screwed shit up and got annoyed even tho I did finish the thing I screwed up but man, that was painful cause like I instantly was like HHNGG wanna stab myself, or eat, or just lay somewhere but neither of them was a good option so I just kept going keeping all my rage inside of meehh.
17:00 Go play Nitrome games after Tumblr
17:10 write this shit.

Aahahaha and I haven't got further on this day.. Should start writing that essay about capsule.. BOORRIING.
It's annoying how I like, whenever I feel like shit, everythign else i have ever felt shit about or regretted starts attacking me with shit, and it can be like super ridiculous things from like.. longlonglong ago, and then I feel like hurting myself, or eating or just angsting somewhere but I wont feel better if I do any of them, in fact I'll just feel more shitty so.. yeah. UNBREAKABLE EVIL CIRCLE! It's horrible. Wish I knew how to deal with my shit.
.. uuuuh. I don't have much more to say.. That's about it..
- Niko

Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Uh, okay? That sounds simple and lame, but okay, I'll do it. Cause I'm an lazy ass and today I don't really feel like writing, I just have to write cause I got so stressed when I got the text from my teacher reminding me about that essay that should be done.. today. actually last week already but fuck that. I can't write for shit. And then, ofc, all shit came down on me. I have this essay, 2 pages I think, about my favorite artist that's supposed to be done on friday, I have a kigurumi that I need to work on too, I have school, luckily tho we have 1 week of vacation coming up, otherwise I would've had to finish a essay about Depression til monday too but phew. But yeah, I said the Kigu'd be done in 2-3 weeks, and I started my second week today and next week, I'll probably spent most time at Vallus so.. HURRY HURRY HURRY! but yeah, as we know I'm fucking good at getting stuff done stressing (cause I haven't done what I should've done muahahaha)
Okay I'll shut it for now and do the today thing.

1. Blur - You're so Great
2. Skrillex - Scary Monsters & Nice Sprites - Noisia Remix
3. Blur - Trouble in the Message Centre
4. Blur - Chemical World/Intermission
5.Owl City - Rainbow Veins
6. Ane Brun - Changing of The Seasons
7.Yoko Kanno - Escape
8. Ane Brun - One More Time
9. Blur - Bank Holiday
10. Owl City - Fuzzy Blue Lights

Dooonnneee.
Ahaha just gotta mention... ;

I want to break all the lolita rules, and call me a true lolita and have a fancy lolita blog and make fancy videos and get a bunch of loli haters ahaha. No seriously, it'd be so fun cause.. I'd be such a troll :''D if you watch a bit further in on the vid she starts talking about how you shouldn't call yourself a.. whatever you're trying to be like, unless you have studied the fashion and know the rules and how shit works and this is probably why I don't dare to be.. 'something' cause I'm so afraid of getting brutally dissed FOR TRYING and maybe not doing the fucking best. That's why I just dress like shit even if I'd like to be so much more but fuck that cause I doubt there's a single fashion thingy that doesn't have all those n00b haters, Lolita seems to be quite peaceful, but I think even they have the n00b haters. Oh ahaha fun fact, apparently "n00b" is a real word..? the auto correct ain't complainin fo shit! :'D Okay but yeah. Fuck fashions, I do what I want!

And now I have to get back to work.. but first, POPCORN!

- Niko

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss

Ehahaha haven't been writing for a while cause.. I've been busy. Not even sorry~

Anyway, let's stop the chitchat and get to business baby

.. Define "Love": when I actually consider I've felt love. Not those fake relationship things you had as a kid or sumthn. And nothing close to first crush or anything nuh uh. Anyway, now that we got that clear, let's proceed...

My first love was and still is Vallu, I mean, I have had relationships before this and I have all kinds of shit going on, but the only time I can say I have actually felt love would be this time. I don't think crushes can be counted in, no matter how you 'loved' that person, cause love isn't real, until someone loves you back. That's when I think it actually becomes.. real. or that's when I at least felt it was real. When it's just one way it's not the same, not at all. You know, cause it's so much more when someone actually loves you back and cares about you and all that. So yeah, Vallu is my first love... ♥~

Hmm.. first kiss... Uuh. It's hard to say when or with who that was, ahaha. Cause, as a kid (I dunno if I'm just weird or if other kids also do this..) I hade like.. "fake" kisses and shit with my friends on the toilets to see what it's like AHAHA. okay we're so cool. But yeah, I think my first kiss was with some of my friends on a toilet as a kid.. giggle. But like, first.. real time was probably with this one dude that I was together with during 1st and 2nd grade, back then I felt real cool cause not many my age had a boyfriend and not many of them had made out with anyone AHAHA oh damn our relationship was such bullshit.. Oh well.

I think I'm done now.. Hng, I might make a more proper update some day but I'll just go continue sewing now..~

- Niko

Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

I think I'm gonna start crying, for ridiculous reasons. I'm watching these videos of Lolitas and oh my god, they make me cry cause.. They're so lovely ;A; They're like cute and pretty and shit and they're all like "Yeah, I like being lolita cause I can be myself ♥" etc and I'm like ... HHNNGgGG me want also. Not maybe to eb a lolita, cause I doubt I'd fit, but but. Find something that will be.. me.

And Lolitas apparently listen to really nice music... ? I actually have no idea what most Lolitas listen too, but shelbycloud has a lot of nice music on her vids at least, very close to Capsule I think? For example;



And Capsule


Quite similar?

Anyway, I'd also love to have some lovely clothing style, and dare look.. awesome and pretty and and ffttttt. Know how to dress, put my hair and do my makeup. And have long thin pretty legs, huurrr.
But I'm just lost and have no idea who the fuck I am. All these voices in my head. Makes it hard to know what I actually feel and think. Cause, they never seem to agree. .. I probably sound crazy, but it's like.. You know, someone tells you stuff and their opinions, and the opinion kinda just get stored in your head and then when you're supposed to think, they're there and mess everything up cause you don't know what your opinion is anymore so you don't know what you should stick to. It's very two faced.

Enough about that. Todays topic.. I haven't checked it yet, let's copy paste it to my tittle and see what I'm supposed to write about..~
.. Oh golly. Uhh. I hope my future will be nicer than I imagine it too be, cause atm at least I'm just so.. negative that my future looks like shit and I suppose I have never really like.. Seen my future brightly, it always seems to be like "yeah, I'm gonna b poor as fuck and prolly live on the streets and die in hunger or something, or then I'll live ont he streets with my cats, I'll be a crazy cat lady muahahaha" but uh.. That's not what I really hope it to be like. I'd like to have an own apartment and I'd like to be at least a bit known for some of my art work or something, whatever I'm doing in trhe future, so that i can make a living of it and.. I don't want to be married, I'd rather not have a partner neither any kids, but I'd have a cat and maybe a dog and I'd live somewhere peacefully and and.. I'd have my life solved out, I'd be a positive person and I'd be able to just be me and not be a lying dick head and I'd have a few chosen friends possibly anndd.. Yeah. That's what I'd like my future to be like. To be a positive person, and to have a job I enjoy. And not need to constantly worry about money...


- Niko
Bättre tiga än illa tala.

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Today's a complete shit day. You know, you wake up, everything's just crap, you keep going, everything's still crap. And it's crap without any fucking reason, and it will ruin your day. It'll make you hate yourself, it'll make you hate everyone and everything. And once you start hating, you just hate more, and more and more, and in the end you just cry cause you're apparently so disgusting and fat and horribly gross. And then you start eating, and you wont stop. And after you're done you cry a bit more cause you're even fatter now, and you will never be awesome and the world can go fuck itself and you don't want to meet anyone and you don't want to do anything else than just.. lying on your bed listening to music pitying yourself and hating the world.

The moment I've probably felt most satisfied with my life was the summer after my and Ronja's break up. I felt so relieved, and I felt I had control of my life, I was positive and happy, and I didn't feel jealous. I knew what I wanted and I was me. Too bad I lost it all cause I was so afraid of loosing it. If I wouldn't fear not knowing who I am and constantly search for me I'd probably just naturally become awesome. But that's not the case and there's nothing I can do about it. Okay, there's a lot I can do about it, but I won't. Fuck that. Fuck everything.
I'm out.

- Niko

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

Nomnomnom writing in school atm cause.. we're supposed to do something instead of just slacking off ahahaha. Yeah and this is totally doing something.. :''))) Uh yeah, we have this story thing that we maybe actually should be writing on but.. I have no fucking idea what to write about so I'll leave it for naaoo.

On to todays topic~
Um yeah, my zodiac is Aries for all those who can't figure it out.. uuh yeah I think it fits me kind a well or then I'm just like so affected by knowing what a typical aries is like so i kinda liek... become.. one.. ?? Or then I just think that okay well I know I think but uh that I am an aries, but I don't know "who" "what" I am or like.. yeah, so I'm not completely  like an aries, cause I don't know the way to be me.. or something. But yeah, I like my zodiac and I think it suits me c:

.. I want to write more but I don't have much to say. tho I had this idea that I'd like.. write about a few persons without them knowing it's them, without anyone knowing who they are and like.. idk, i just love doing stuff like this ahaha. But yeaah, suppose I could do that.. ? :'D I'll probably just write about one person.. at a time. That way there wont be toooo much text and I know everyone's just as lazy as I am so.. you don't feel like reading anything too long.

Uh. I don't know, if I'm friends with this person anymore, I haven't spoken with them for a .. very long time now, but I still kind of consider us friends, probably cause I was so close to them back in the past. I've spoken to their friends but haha, that's it. I haven't seen them for a very long time either, but.. uh. i have actually no fucking idea why that is cause this person cosplays.. or used to.. or I don't know, i haven't spoken to them in a long while so I have actually no idea what's going on in their lives atm. I spent all my nights.. and days talking with this person and we both didn't sleep very much haha. We just stayed up like.. until 3 every night or something and then I atleast got up 6 and.. uh. yeah, not much of sleep. My phone bill was also sky high, because of this person, back in the past. .. Why does it seem I texted much more then than what I do now.. buhuh, I have become lonelier. Oh well, I have real friends nao öwö Okay we'll this person was a real person and a real friend but but they lived so far away, and we hardly ever met so.. it's not the same you know. Actually now when I think about it, i have no fucking idea, why we stopped talking.. ?? Okay well whatever.. That's.. mind fucking. Aahaha. but yeah, as I said, I do talk to their friends and their friends are ofc also my friends, but not as much as I used to and we say hi if we meet in cons and shit but.. yyeaah. I have no idea what else to write about this person.
Oh well, first crush, I'll leave it at that.

- Niko

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself

Aahh listening to The Dresden Dolls again, hahaha.
Today I was painting on my dear friend Marias hand in school, cause.. We are lazy shits and we don't feel like doing what we're supposed to do.. .w.'' So, here's pics. Taken by this person [link]
... 30 interesting facts about me. Okay well, I don't knwo if any of these will be interesting but I'll just list stuff I can come up with about myself.. c:

1. I have seen all the Harry Potter movies but I have never read all the books.
2. I like most people, and most of my friends are people that stay as my friends cause, I don't make friends with dicks ahaha. okay happened once.
3. I like.. Puzzles?
4. I have.. heterochromia in one of my eyes
5. I'm not happy with my ass or my legs, but I have no idea how 'huge' they actually are cause I have never gotten an like.. opinion, like.. serious opinion.
6. My hair has once been partly colored blue.. 
7. I can speak Swedish, Finnish and English, and I know Finnish and English the best..
8. .. Even if I live in an area in Finland where there's almost only swedish speaking people :'D
9. Drinks I absolutely hate include coffee drinks and tea, I also think Jaffa is quite disguisting
10. .. I love chocolate. And icecream, I probably eat it more during winter than summer haha
11. And speaking of winter, I HATE WINTER. Period.
12. And I love summer. Simply cause it's warm, light, and you don't need to wear 100 layers of clothes and still freeze your butt off.
13. I'm afraid of puking
14. I have a phobia for fire
15. I don't like fire crackers
16. Thunder scares me
17. Spiders are disgusting, so are other small bugs and shit too. Also flies when there's really many of them.
18. I'm not religious
19. Trying to come up with 30 facts about myself is... horribly hard.
20. I just recently dared reblogging something on tumblr
21. I have a manga collection which consists of over 300 mangas, and I buy new mangas every month!
22. I love horror, even if I'm really easily frightened
23. I love Vallu ♥
24. th December, it's Christmas!
25. ... It wasn't a fact about me was it?
26. I can't stand the smell of tobacco 
27. I love animals, even fi I'm allergic to most of them
28. I'm allergic to like.. everything.
29. Besides drawing I love singing, dancing, baking, sewing and writing! I also love reading.
30. I wish to take piano and singing lessons.


AHAHA gooodd that was horrible. never again. Oh well, hope you like the list, I probably missed some number but hey whatever :'D
- Niko

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life

Today I should start making that kigu, but my bros room is still such a mess (he's moved out and I was thinking on using his room as a .. sewing room haha. But I suppose I have to use what I have for now, cause his room is filled with flies.. :''c

okay well, todays topic. Hmm.. Well I have thought about it many times, but I don't think I've ever been serious enough to have the guts to do it. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, where it would just kinda happen, maybe. Like a car crash. To hit the driver in the head or something, get the car running into.. whatever and just hope to die, see what happens. Anyway, I probably thought about ending my life mostly when I was like.. what.. 12-13 years old, ahaha. Yeah, I was dissed cause I drew manga, and for many other reasons and I just hated the world, I hated everything about everything and I just felt like shit. That was also the time I noticed I was bi and got rejected by a person I had been in love with for quite a while. Uh, but I kind of think it might've been just kind of a .. personality crisis. or something. You know we all have them all once a while. But it might've been something more, shit do I know, I know nothing, not even bout myself :'D
I got through it quite easily though cause I just thought that I was done with being so fucking down all the time and started thinking positively, and that did it.. 
But now lately, I've been thinking about dying quite a bit. Committing suicide is way too dramatic, I feel no big lust and need to die, cut my throat and bleed to death. Nono, more peacefully. I'm just kind of sick of the world, and that there isn't more than.. this to it. Some how our lives seem so meaningless, there's ofc many ways to look at it, and one other way would ofc be endless freedom, nothign you do will fucking matter ever in the end, so you can do anything you want. .. Actually that thought kind of excites me, hurr. Okay well, I just sometimes wish I could leave this world, mostly cause I have stupid fears that I can't get rid of and cause.. I'd like my life to be so much more different than it is but I feel the way that there's nothing I could possibly do to change it so.. that's depressing.
Also something I started thinking of, totally not related to the topic but whatever. It's interesting how I'm so.. open about my sexuality everywhere, the internet, my blog, places my mom can see. Yet, I haven't and I find it very uncomfy to tell my parents anything about it, I don't want them questioning me all shit about it, I just want them to.. find out and accept it, it's not a very big deal. Haha, we can hope for the best that someone of them reads this so that they know.. stuff. :''D Keep on dreaming, keep on dreaming. 
Okay whatever, I'm done and I want food. NOW.
- Niko

Day 04 - Your views on religion

Today, we went to Kokkola to buy some fabrics for a Kigurumi I'm making (and also to shop a bit, ahahaha.) Besides the fabric I bought a pair of shorts THAT FITTED PERFECTLY. Hurrr. Anndd leopard tights, lovely~ Uuuh AND YEAH, my mom bought me 2 pairs of shoes, both so huururrrrururur nice I could.. something for them. :'D But anyway it was nice. Vallu bought uh.. gloves, a furry head thing annnd rings nomnom. & an invertable cross. So it's been quite a nice day. AND OH YEAH, my camera is fixed~ Apparently, the memory card was broken, and the cashier dude was like THE FOOOK cause like apparently memory cards like.. never break? So yeah, but I got a new one so that's goood.

Soooo today's topic thing, my view on religion. Uuh. I think religions are quite unnecessary and like.. they often just fuck things up, haha. But I suppose it's understandable that people want to have something to believe in, that there is some higher might taking care of them etc etc. What if we'd all just believe in ourselves without needing to have some stupid religions? I mean, be our own god, be our own high and might. Oh and the bibel is annoying bullshit btw. Just saying. Somehow it's quite interesting how religions have become such a big... thing, haha. And that they've existed for so long. Me myself, I'm not really a very religious person, I don't really believe there's a God, maybe, maybe, sometimes, something higher and mightier than us, sometimes, but it's more like just the.. universe. .. I think Vallu fell asleep, baww ♥ Oh well, back to the topic,  so yeah, I think it's stupid that religions are so old fashion, mostly, and so.. stupid in all ways ahaha I dunno. I don't believe there's God, I believe there's a universe and I have nothing else to say, I'm just starting to write random shit nao so I'll stop.
- Niko