amicis

I keep checking in on blogger.com, just kind of hoping that I would eventually figure something out to write about. Or figure out a way to write about something..
I believe the reason why I can't seem to get stuff done is because I keep trying to push it, cause I want it to come out so bad, but it just doesn't want to come out this way. Not now.
And it's just terribly sad. And irritating. Annoying as hell.
And I feel that if I would be to find something to write about or a way to write about something, it would still just be something I've already written about. And it just feels stupid to write another post about it... Since my thoughts around stuff haven't really changed that much.
Maybe my so called writing block is all because I haven't thought of anything new lately. I haven't thought of much at all. I'm so stuck in the same thoughts as I've been for what.. a year now? It's.. weird.
I haven't come to realize this until now, fascinating how you guys just happen to.. get to know this as I get to know this haha. Okay well anyway, I haven't come to realize that I haven't actually thought of anything new in a really really long time. My thoughts are stuck in time currently.
It's those same things that keep spinning in my head; school, future, money, job, looks, social life, family.. all that crap. And there's no new aspects to them, not even a tiny tweak. Nothing. How.. stupid.
I wonder what's keeping me so.. intact. Why am I not moving forward.. ? How come, I'm currently glued to the ground... ?
Maybe, it might have something to do with loss of old friends. I actually thought about that the other day... Friends I used to know. I.. It's weird, cause I never thought they'd be so.. important. It actually feel terribly sad when I stop and think of all the people I still could have known or got to know.. Or known better. All the amazing people I just.. lost.
Even if I have made new friends, I wouldn't really say they are my.. friends.. It's.. I do believe they could become very important to me at some point of my life, but right now.. I can't say I really trust them. In a way, I mean. Yeah. They're nice and all, but I don't really know them. At all. I know these.. things about them. About their lives, but I don't know them. And they most likely don't know me. I don't think anyone really does, haha. And I uh. Feel kind of uncomfortable around them. Cause I have somehow grown so paranoid. I truly believe they just lie to me, and that they actually hate me, think shit about me. Talk shit about me. I know some wouldn't, I just know they wouldn't. But the others.. I don't know. They scare me.
Maybe that's why I miss my old friends so much, cause I feel they know me... actually no, they probably don't since I haven't really stayed in touch with them lately so they probably remember me completely differently. And I'm kind of scared of getting in touch with them again too, cause .. maybe they're not who I thought they were?
It also scares me to think that they might not even want to know me or even remember who I am. Why should they anyway, I mean I was just a bypassing person in their lives, and almost everyone has probably met so many new people and friends after I stopped talking to them, so why on earth would they remember me, nevertheless why would they care about me. Why would they look back and think "oh well Niko sure was an awesome person, wonder what she's doing these days. wish i knew what she was doing now." They wouldn't, cause they don't need to. They don't need to find security in the past, cause it's either followed with them until this day, or they've found other friends that have followed with them until this day.
I uh. I thought I was important to them. But I don't think I am. I.. I .. I don't know.

I don't even know what's going on anymore.
- Niko

asthma

I wouldn't really want to accept the fact that I'm allergic to animals with fur, but I suppose I just have to. I'd really like to be able to have an own small dog or cat when I move away from home, but I've come to the conclusion that I probably shouldn't. I feel the way that I would ever actually be able to be close with my pet since I wouldn't be able to cudle with it, and it probably couldn't be that close to me since I would most likely not be able to even have it in my lap.  I know there are some hypoallergenic pets, but I still wouldn't be symptom free, so I might as well just accept my situation.

I am currently using a Ventoline diskus to help me with my allergy problems. I do take pills to if I feel I need to, but mostly I just have hard to breathe and so I use the diskus. But I think it's really nice that I am allowed to have it. It's so nice to just be able to.. breathe again.
I didn't actually think I'd get more of it (I usually get just for the springs because of the pollen) since I don't think I'm classified as a person with asthma, but I luckily did get more. I thought the doctors would just tell us to get rid of our pets or something.

But it's really nice and comfy to be able to just take a dose whenever it gets difficult to breathe. I would normally never do anything about my unbreatheability, since I wouldn't in most cases even have ventoline and because I didn't want to be dependent on some medicine.
But I actually quite like it now.

- Niko

evo

Uh. sorry, anyone who likes reading my blog, for not being so active lately. Not at least on the.. writing part.
Writing isn't just really working out right now (just like everything else in my life hahaa.). I just haven't had anything to say... Or well that's not actually true, but I just haven't been able so.. write it out. Or even say it out loud ahahaa. ffuck. EVO. Writer's block I suppose. Like shit I've ever been good at writing anyways.. how can I possibly have writers block...

Anyway. It's NaNoWriMo. I thought about joining, but I ended up deciding no, since I have so much other stuff that needs to get done. For example an essay about Romanticism (art u kno) anndd.. well a short film we're currently planning in school.. Aaannd uuh. Other stuff I can't currently remember, haha. I probably don't even have anything else, I'm just stressed up for nothing.

Oh. Got Assassins Creed III the other day. Cooli. I also bought Brotherhood since it was on sale, yay. So far AC III hasn't been that awesome.. graphics are cool and stuff, but the story.. and the game play... mmeeh. I'm not gonna spoil the story for you, but Imma tell you this; they've changed the fighting system. And controls. Argh.
I find this extremely frustrating since I'm such a shit gamer, so it always takes me forever to learn anything at all in games really. Or then I just quit them cause I get so angry. For example Skyrim. If Vallu wouldn't have made me play it, I would never have finished it. And AC II, just about at the end I felt that I actually knew what I was doing and what buttons did what and how not to fall off the friggin roof. So. Hiphiphooray.

Blaah. Not happy with my life right now. yuck.

- Niko

OH ALSO. I put a few link in the bar to the right. It's just a couple blogs I like and.. my moms blog. So, check them out if you feel like it!

flies

Just art.

- Niko