thoughts about thoughts

I'm not sure whether (what even is English lol) I feel it's a bad or a good thing that I havent't been able to think deeply about stuff lately. I mean my thoughts have basically been "Get up you lazy ass", "Oh lord I need to take a shower I'msodirty blargh", "Jesus fuck I'm fucking hungry aaaahhh", "Need. To. Fart. Sobadly.", "God bed, let me marry you".
Really just casual thoughts. And in a way I'd like to be able to "analyse" shit that happens and think about stuff but I just..... can't get my brain working. It's just like lol, too lazy to open up the valve of deep thoughts, be hungry instead??
I also noticed I don't ever want to be dependent on anyone else but me. At least not depend on them more than I depend on myself ohmygod, can I even make a sentence like that in English, what am I doing..... ?
Well anyway, I don't want to need anyone else more than I need me, get what I'm saying? And it's not just a thing about being afraid of loosing someone you care about, but if you care about someone too much, you got to adjust your life so much to how they feel or what they want, because you don't want to hurt them or make them sad. Or well if you're strong and can stick to what you want and don't really care what the others want then I guess you're good but but, that's not what I wanted to talk about! WHAT I MEAN is just that with emotions and human reactions and actions, there's no actual right and wrong and so much depends on how you think and what you feel and and. It's not easy and easily becomes troubleful if you can't stand your ground if you for instance care too much about someone elses emotions in about an equal amount to how much you care about your own emitons! Because then you have to choose between making you sad or making the other one sad, and both choices are equally bad, and you can't expect to be able to blame your non well being on the other one for making a "wrong decision" since they want to feel happy but also want you to be happy and as I already said, human reactions and actions don't always have a right or wrong, and then you have a problematic situation and it's frustrating and hard to handle.
And that's why I don't want to become too personal with someone, I don't want anyone to become someone I care for more than I care for myself. And don't non of you guys be calling me selfish because caring for yourself, and making you the main thing of your life (at least when young) is important! It's important to get to know you and be able to continue being you and paying attention to you! And I'm in no way implying you should become an egobitch who runs around and pushes your importance in other peoples faces, and neither am I implying that you shouldn't care for others, you OBVIOUSLY should, but I'm just saying that you shouldn't get carried away with pleasing everyone else and completely forget about yourself..!

Over and out
- Niko

goshwhat

Omg yay long time no shit at all!!~ ♥♥♥♥

.. Aaaand I suddenly forgot how to do "~", gosh what a struggle...

Sitting here in my absolutely fab morning wear, listening to Capsule, the only thing that fuels me this week except coffee. An absolutely hectic half week behind me, and an absolutely hectic rest of the week coming up, hooray. I pretty much get up in the morning and keep going until about 10pm when I get home, then I throw some food in me and go to bed. Then the same thing the next day.

And it's because I'm currently training to do acrylics. Nails I mean. So first school, then work. I'm terribly slow, takes me about 2h 15min to do a customer. I hope I get faster. ugh.

And next week we'll head off to Venice with my class. I hope it's gonna be fun. I'm at least excited for La Biennale di Venezia. But not too excited about loosing money because of theft. Damn teachers be scaring the shit outta people. :I

.. aand facebook appears to be down. darn. I would've liked to show some awesome nails I've done. buh. :I

Have a few pics, I'll be going!

- Niko

fuuuddh

My eating habbits are terrible. I should be eating meat since my diet as a vegetarian is so bad, but I really don't want to cause of how good I felt after not eating meat. But I don't have any will power to improve ny vegetarian diet, and actually cook something. Maybe I just shouldn't eat at all. :I

- Niko

angry

I totally get why people bash other people anon on the internet. I mean, I would. I totally would.
At least if it's of the same reasons I'd do it know. I'm feeling like shit but the only thing I really can do is just .. sit here and scream inside my head, which isn't really helping. I'd rather just smash everything to smithereens and then burn the house or something. But we all know I can't do that.
But just being mean to some random person on the internet sure would feel good. Not because they've done anything wrong or stupid, it's just because I'm angry and sad with my life. Making them feel bad about themselves is just a bonus. (jk)
But I'm not gonna do, it'd get out of hand. Everything always does. I'll probably just have to continue canning my feelings until I figure out something better than burning, smashing, bashing or hurting myself.

- Niko

*Canning; ...contents are processed and sealed in an airtight container, wikipedia.)

hair

Hmm.
I usually have this one day right before my period, when everything is just so.. wonderful. I'm finally who and how I've always wanted to be, and I can just be. There's no stupid questions and I can't do anything dumb or embarrassing, and I'm so brave, I can face any matters without feeling a thing. I just feel great. Not even feeling fat bothers me, not even realizing my legs will always be fat moves me, I just.. Think about it, I just accept it and then I move on.
And it's so sad, because.. well I don't get why this happens, I don't get why I can't be like that any other times of the month, why just that one day? And why just 24h (48h at most)? Yea sure some hormone thing, but it's just so.. odd. I wish I could somehow control it..

But, there's another thing in my life that sure has made me feel a whole lot better.

I cut my hair. It's short now.

I haven't had short hair since I was like.. 5. I think that's about the time I last had short hair. From then on I've just been saving it, in hopes that it will grow really long and pretty. Sadly, it never became as long as I had wished.

But I think it's a good thing, considering what a pain it was at the length it got to. Well, anyway, lately it's just been a big messy ball of shit, since all the bleaching and shit, and to be honest, it's just been getting shorter and shorter and messier and messier. And cutting it of wasn't just some random Saturday night idea, I had actually been thinking of it for a couple of years now, but I decided it was time to do it just a few months ago or smth. So, last Saturday I cut it, and I'm so happy with it.
It's really nice and it suits me well. It's also extremely easy to take care of, and boy, the time I spend in the shower. Like 2 seconds. And then another 2 seconds before it's dry. It's amazing, I'll never again have to plan showers 2-3 h before going somewhere.. !

But that's not the only great things with this new hair of mine. I actually feel so much more comfortable with it than the long one.
For starters, I never have to really care or pay much attention to how it is, it just is. It just falls naturally and there's really nothing you could care or worry about, whilst my long hair was a pain. I always had to figure out ways to style it, and to style it in ways that doesn't look stupid and so that it was still functional, and I spent so much time all the time worrying about it, and I was barely ever happy with it, mostly just tried to gather it in a big bun and just go with it that way. But just doing a bun took a whole bunch of time.
I also think that having long blond hair somehow affected the image of how and who I was supposed to be.
You know how long haired blonds are always so sexy and stylish and not a messy pile of shit like me? yeah well, I guess that kind of put a lot of pressure on me, l suppose I always kind of thought that I had to be in some certain way because of the way my hair looked, because of the way people viewed me because of my hair.
Now, when it's shorter and way less .. sexy blonde, I feel a whole bunch more confident. This is maybe more me, I'm not some kind of sexy blonde who has a perfect body and uses make up and high heels. I'm just a boring shitty Niko who loves sweat pants and big hoodies to cover up an ugly ass body and a butt and thighs the size of a whale. Like sure, I love high heels and pretty clothes, but I think we all, mostly me, just have to accept that I have no future in wearing cool low short and skirts, and that I'll never be able to have over knee socks, and that most pants do make my ass look fat.
Right now it doesn't even really bother me. But right now, I'm on top of the world, soon to be in hell again, haha.

Watercolor and wooden pencils doodle.
woop. Ink also, yay.

- Niko

Tell meee

Everyone should always tell me everything about their lives. It's fucking interesting, mkay, and I'm curious.

Also, in detail.

- Niko

sleepy

Finally I'm tired enough for my brain to just give up and rest. First time today, feels damn nice.

- Niko