Today I should start making that kigu, but my bros room is still such a mess (he's moved out and I was thinking on using his room as a .. sewing room haha. But I suppose I have to use what I have for now, cause his room is filled with flies.. :''c
okay well, todays topic. Hmm.. Well I have thought about it many times, but I don't think I've ever been serious enough to have the guts to do it. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, where it would just kinda happen, maybe. Like a car crash. To hit the driver in the head or something, get the car running into.. whatever and just hope to die, see what happens. Anyway, I probably thought about ending my life mostly when I was like.. what.. 12-13 years old, ahaha. Yeah, I was dissed cause I drew manga, and for many other reasons and I just hated the world, I hated everything about everything and I just felt like shit. That was also the time I noticed I was bi and got rejected by a person I had been in love with for quite a while. Uh, but I kind of think it might've been just kind of a .. personality crisis. or something. You know we all have them all once a while. But it might've been something more, shit do I know, I know nothing, not even bout myself :'D
I got through it quite easily though cause I just thought that I was done with being so fucking down all the time and started thinking positively, and that did it..
But now lately, I've been thinking about dying quite a bit. Committing suicide is way too dramatic, I feel no big lust and need to die, cut my throat and bleed to death. Nono, more peacefully. I'm just kind of sick of the world, and that there isn't more than.. this to it. Some how our lives seem so meaningless, there's ofc many ways to look at it, and one other way would ofc be endless freedom, nothign you do will fucking matter ever in the end, so you can do anything you want. .. Actually that thought kind of excites me, hurr. Okay well, I just sometimes wish I could leave this world, mostly cause I have stupid fears that I can't get rid of and cause.. I'd like my life to be so much more different than it is but I feel the way that there's nothing I could possibly do to change it so.. that's depressing.
Also something I started thinking of, totally not related to the topic but whatever. It's interesting how I'm so.. open about my sexuality everywhere, the internet, my blog, places my mom can see. Yet, I haven't and I find it very uncomfy to tell my parents anything about it, I don't want them questioning me all shit about it, I just want them to.. find out and accept it, it's not a very big deal. Haha, we can hope for the best that someone of them reads this so that they know.. stuff. :''D Keep on dreaming, keep on dreaming.
Okay whatever, I'm done and I want food. NOW.
- Niko
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